flaws

We all have flaws.
On our faces,legs, arms and fingernails.
Sometimes not so visible
In depth of our characters
And code of our genes
What's missing in every one of us makes us different.
Special in ways that no one else is
Despite the hate in humanity
It is that essential uniqueness that defines us
There are no flaws
No differences
Just observations
and interpretations
The need for one another everything there it is
No need to turn over stones
or destroy others
A species burdened to care too much for too little

mistakes for a loop

I did all the mistakes I could
Than repeated them just to make sure it felt right.

Leash

What if the sins were not ours. the words typed in our mouths are pre-ordained thoughts. The experience of a relationship was a  test. 10 years is not base but just a start. Your girlfriends will love someone, and lust for them, what you survive from that is the relationship. The religious sect of what is happening is a mirage, the whole situation of individuals is just a becoming of persons. The whole life is just a cursed tennis match of emotions going back and forht and what you can salvage are the real feelings.
I can't believe in a girlfriend who is loyal for eternity, or myself. You will have love, emotions, feelings for others and maybe get to live them, but the sibling nature of a long relationship will overcome the nature of your feelings. It is what builds a house that matters at the and. We want to reconstruct the lost past, build it as if it were better, and own it, with it flaws.
There is magic in watching TV together or discovering a landscape. As nature forbids we lack the power to exist alone, and language is the curse. Just communicating and trying to share the feelings with a personal voice.
That makes physical so much more powerful, where words don't matter but bodies respond to desires and vocalise the needs.
Men wants to devour women and women wants to devour men, sometimes in all the wrong ways.
We are all broken in the structure of kids grown by parents, we end up with endless needs, a long leash with a short men.

handle depression

Edward Honaker, a photographer diagnosed with depression defined his states
''All I knew is that I became bad at the things I used to be good at, and I didn’t know why''

His recent portfolio

grave stories

i was falling apart like a ponzi scheme. The life I have built meant nothing in the state I have become. Sleepless nights, forgotten memories, blurred visions. My great potential was crushed under my being. I needed help. In desperation I turned to the one girl I had so dearly close to me and proposed to her. A dedication outside of my boundaries was the only thing that would save me from my self destruction. 

And at first, it worked. Things were good. More than that, it was great. Business was booming, I had my back covered, we fucked like rabbits. And life happened to evolve on it’s own. She wanted kids and I gave her that, than the kids needed a future and I provided. And in the midst of all that, I felt how meaningless all my actions had been. Was I tricked ? Who was to blame ? I was in a labyrinth of myself where the never ending need was demanding my life. I felt trapped, and sweat. The beauty of life was lost, the future of impossibles gone. The feelings surging my soul was unpleasant. So I changed… Drastically. Left everything, took everything. Starting a new future, I dwelled in drugs, sex and freedom. Without a land I wandered, knowing this life was the one I exploited to it’s full extent. And now, today, I lay in a ditch, poor, cold and alone. There is no space for doubt, that’s how you survive. You pick a fight and live with it. 

ps: the character holds so much more promise.

it's ok.

back in istanbul. decision made in a single second and rest seems to flow. Coming back this time, was much easier. Having a long term plan and dedication, knowing I am free to leave any time. There are lot of deaths and marriages around me. Life goes on without you if I decide to sit home, so it is best not to and adhere to it as much as I can. To improve , to learn, and receive. If there is an outcome from this experience it will be a form of art.
My shoulder was dislocated and it is the slow healing back. It needs couple of months of therapy and than practices for half a year than it will be O.K. . It is a good sign, that I should be careful now, my body is only physical and it can not withstand such abuses anymore. It means I should enjoy my life more and watch for myself. More psychologically. If I put myself in stress, in undesired situation my body pays the price. I create the circumstances for suffering which can also be to enjoy life.
These days I keep busy, with meetings, fixing my new flat, reading, writing and watching. When I am more full It flows with people. There is something to talk about, there is something to hear from them that adds to my imagination. When people are important life flows easily. Even though this city is a damned chaos land invaded by zombies that dont bite but sure as fuck dont think.
I am having hard time sleeping, I am going to drink a bit to fix that. Now the home is settled it will be easier. Maybe it is the bad eating or sleeping I am getting dizzy spells. Whenever I stand fast. And headaches come and go. This happened in Prague too. I think it is stress as well. I thinkover over the unthinkable. Force myself to work on a project that I am not inclined to. I definetly travel more, get out of the bubble, appreciate living a good life in this zombieland. Well If I happen to fall and die by a freak accident, or worse, I am glad of the people life gave me. No, I am not satisfied with what I have done ( so far !) but I am working on that. The key for me, if I can project my feelings, memories in a medium that people can understand, and relate to. It sounds like a troubled kid wants to be heard but It is more than that now. I am anxious for doing it as well. Having a group of people and working on a story that is designed by me to be told. I always liked playing games when I was kid, and leading them as well. But I always hard time finding good game buddies. People wouldnt listen, or loose interest. I had the leadership but we were  lacking patience. It will make me proud, and people I look up to, to produce a work that everyone partake in it is happy with the outcame. A project. Just like a big game we are all playing.
Apart from that I want to be with a perfect partner now. It sounds impossible so I will just let it roll on it's own. I'm not even sure I want to have sex ever now. It all feels dull.
Anyway, thinking of death me brought to this page. And there are many great things to say about life. Just like this quote ''If we love moments ferociously we can learn to live not in spite of death but because of it. Let death be what takes us not lack of imagination''
Love

sarsi

Couple of buddies from living in Istanbul make a plan a heist on the tax office on hot summer day

thanks

Tonight I dislocated my shoulder . On the way out from Alican I slipped on the b nicely cleaned marble stairs. Falling, I felt my shoulder move out of it's lock, as if my arm was extending to lengths it shouldnt.  And on the floor all I was saying was 'shit,fuck' and all. Aykut, leaving ahead of me was at the exterior, hearing my fall, he as shouting, asking if I was O.K.
Most goddamn painful moments of my life, so much pain, I almost fainted walking outside, the arm dangling, I needed to hold it but noone wanted to touch it not to make it worse. People put me in a cab and Aykut took me to the hospital.
Aykut, the dude I know since years, drove me and made small talk in perfect precision helping me think away from the pain as we waited for an emergency doctor. I was in super pain having hard time being nice, almost blacking out while x-raying my arm. So much pain.
And the doctor shows up, like a hero, middle of the night, right out home and super calm. He says he is going to put it back, and If I resist he has to knock me out and do it like that. I ask if it's going to hurt, and he says 'yeah a lot'. All I have been thiniking of is lethal weapon. Mel Gibson hitting a wall to put his shoulder back on, squirming in pain.
A helper comes to restrain me and he lifts my arm making small talk. I'm thinking he is just going to push and I am going to scream in pain. I look into the nurses eyes and she holds my hand. And just like that, with 2 small movements he makes a move and this enormous pain, as if like a volume to high turned down, goes away in a moment. I cant believe it. It just disappears. No pain, no crunch noise or anything nasty.
And I become myself again. All the bad thoughts gone. Thinking as If I have done something wrong in my timeline and It returned to me with this pain.
I was super lucky, I had good people around me. I knew Aykut so little and he helped me so much, it just makes me appreciate my friend and people I know. Through my life I have been surrounded with great people, some I know so greatly, some I know so little.
A person died I knew so little about, and a person I know little stood with me through a dire situation.
I thank the life I live, and everything else but my life.