dont bother

destruct

2012-02-12T00:52:00.002+02:00

bullshit bullshit bullshit , thats what i commonly hear. today i ran into a van with my bike whilst i was drunk, after the incident all i thought was it was gonna cost me lot. i didnt give a fuck about the hurt in my leg arm shoulder or whatsoever. All i thought of was why i was letting myself to get into these situations. there is a serious problem. fix it fucker.

proud

2012-02-01T02:10:00.002+02:00

things are happening and life is happening as it is. As you age you can see more things in perspective, as in your youth presents you opportunities as it happens and it is just up to you to validate it or not. you can go abroad and spend the same energy surely something will arise for certain it is just a matter of effort. you can decide to live in the mountains and still with the wish and demand you can succeed anything and any lifestyle.

For myself I have been wishing doing some nice thing. don't know why maybe to prove myself that I can, or just to have a pat on the back. I have all the support in the world to do whatever I want but still I choose to act in the scene that I am in. I tell myself it is good portfolio and experience that will give me options to move onto whatever that is going to happen.

To be honest, I dislike the life in this city, that is my old city. There is not much to do, you feel like you know all, you disregard the new things because you have been from that city for a long time, and as if you are the old dog you know all and don't have to give a fuck if no one else does as well. There is merit of a life in a new city brings you, all the options, the curiosity and the freedom of knowing anyone, just being acted on your likes and dislikes. Without the golden fake feeling of being something because you know upcoming people in town. But there is a business like rush to this life, when you are in the game and stuff is happening and you are part of it you may feel like something. But what makes me happy every now and then is that I am with people who has the problems and worries.

Unfortunately to be here in this city is a constant worrying. The politics, the future of the country, the quality of work that is produced. The fact is if you are in a 3rd rate country and what you produce will always be second hand european stuff. But still I do believe if you make it good enough, spend double the time than you have to you can produce something better than the known other, only if you got your heart in it to do some good but not just bling bling cash(which if you are clever, get the cash and do your own shit).

To be sane, you have to be attached to the fact that you can turn it around anytime you want, move elsewhere, go to some country that your visa is valid and spend time selling lemons. It is a fact that a lottery winner is just unhappy as he was a year after, so it never is about money, it may seem like it but it is not. For instance(of course an example from me its my fucking blog) I craved to buy an iphone for 4 years and finally did get my hands on a 4s and true that is it give me joy, and fun, and time to spend on it, but after a few months its just that thing in my pocket to make calls again. Stuff is always stuff, it is just how much time you spend on it to savor it. I like things slow, to buy a phone and discover its features slowly, do some work and look at it after a while to have a true opinion, the world is crowded but unless you want to drive in golden limousines you can take your time to enjoy the little things, and the things we buy are the smallest of all.
There is a joy and rush every time that I get a call to do some work, but it isnt just about money mostly, its the fact that my work is appreciated and needed at someplace to be done, and some other fellow trusts me to do it, basic human contact.

I may never return your phone calls, I may be unable to keep long distance friendships or any otherships. I am unable to contact people who I dont see because I dont work with them and I am busy working or just feeling lousy because there is no job and wont have the spirit to call them; personally spilling your guts wont help because you end up doing what you now, and you just cry to someone again and again just to fuck their head and hear 'you are ok'.As long as people think of me as a fine personna, that is fine with me. we dont have to talk, we dont have to meet, its ok as long as you dont hate me and I am doing some work I am proud of.

2012-01-30T03:13:00.001+02:00

i am very exhausted. i can't sleep, i can't retreat, i can't progress.

rott

2011-08-14T04:53:00.003+03:00

I believed there was something helping me, or good luck so to say for a long time, most things I went on things went fine and better than expected. School was fun, had some good experiences when close to graduation, not even a year it was finished I made it to UK, got work visa and shit and than I decided so take a swing with my old buddies for the sake of the new studio rising and great knowledge. and now everything feels like shit, but to be true, through all those processes I felt like shit. So maybe and hopefully probably I will think like I got to have some experience in Istanbul design scene, working with agencies and good people, doing nice jobs, well every know and than. But 5 minutes ago I was quite convinced world was full of shit and I am desperate. For the reasons that, there is a high chance that I wont make it out of here and feel like shit for a good portion of my time, being unable to make peace with my self or some folks that I blame in my mind, which is quite close to all the people I know around me. Which will lead to the way I have no idea but through this whole day I was sure I was going mental. My mind kept eating me from inside, I had to stay between a couple all day to listen to their yapping to each other, supposedly I was there for work and had to ditch my gf for that (and that thing had its take of course) to do nothing all day. Work has become dependent on one place, doing shit things that I have zero interest in, working with a guy just he gets his ego boost. Since I have been back from 15 day away this life style is hardly bearable, I am wasting time for useless shit to useless reasons. I am sorry guys I love you but I am sick of the conversations that I know where they are going. The same bullshit about work, how great it is gonna be etc, and another heartbreak for me that I didnt take that job offer back 6 moths, but come to think of it I couldnt have done THY work if I had left. But as time passes my first feeling for the work comes back, it is ok, but not excellent. I keep checking the past because the future is uncertain. and that is for the last great encounter I had toinght. To start with I am dying to keep away from folks these days because they are increasingly hard to bear, maybe for some reason because I have come back everybody thinks I am not gonna o shit or smt. But as deadlines grow close I hear the best of crap coming from my financier. Every conversation ends up the same and the dude pushes me to meet with him every week, but there is nothing to talk about, not a goddamn single thing. It is the fucking same conversations about schools, about prices, about my plans. He is a living hell , and I stupidly trusted him as ever I could be coming back here. Because I thought do a year here, and if you dont like how work goes you will just do that master you have been dying to do. And now I hear, well are you sure, well do you really think it will pay back the money for you, well dont you think those schools are money traps, well america is ashithole, are you really sure, I am not very convinced but anyway, you know there is recession coming for america?, what are you going to do there, what are you planning to do when you come back here, will you be able to find work here better if you pay that amount of money to this school ?. Now, I can take this, yeah. I understand, because, it is not my dough, so it is fair. A man can have concerns, but. but how many times can you listen to this eh. each conversation, each talk ends the same way. It comes to the idea of how much he does not want to do it. Please dont tell me it is for your bullshit, because if someone can really think of someone could understand how mental it could be repeating that thing to a guy. The thought of this my chest burn in flames and shit. This had happened so many times in my life, in every occasion that I have asked for something, I had the same response, and now I am older and it is a lot harder to take. It makes the idea of trusting this guy and going somewhere even more fearsome. I remember the very fine thought in my head upon my return, it was like ' yeah, i will use my chance goddamit, do a year in turkey, see whats going on and than move on' . I am dead certain I have to move on, the people I hold close to myself tell me to move on, to grab that chance if I have it. And now here I am uncertain what is going to happen. I go berserk researching cheap schools, I keep thinking maybe I should get back to London, but with what money, what permission, what right? and I said my sweet goodbyes to everyone there, they have moved on, I have to face it will be a different start, not impossible but different, I will carry the hatred of not being able to do what I wanted but to go to london I have to talk to the financier there is no other way. Than how can I neglect him at the same time ? I cant, so its like the boss wins, its like fuck you, its like yeah i take whatever I can and i will hate you, not just you but all of you. And than I cannot sleep. I wake up. I sleep for one hour and I wake up daed awake, disturbed by every noise thinking this shit, and it is just thinking nothing is going to help, how much you think nothing is going to chance, but I just do think. and at my last moment I was thinking about people and finding every wrong they have done, all the unfairnesses and I was going out of my mind and had to write some shit down. Just so I throw this up and calm down, and calm down I did my hands shake no more.
Now I get tense, because If I go, I will have the worst pressure on me. Its like do or die. In my bones I know it but my will is breaking and days start to come back that I think I am shit, I cant do shit, I cant achieve anything. I am dumb, unable, lazy trash. I cannot think of my family as a sane group of people. They are all ill, and so am I. I have to get as far away from here as possible. in any means. because quite honestly, the days of hopelessness are getting just as bad as they were years ago and I cannot take it at this state, cause there is nothing to get me back on my feet. if i fall i am quite unwilling to show the trouble to get up, i am like this ill cat who just wants to rot in the corner and stay away from the way of people. the bloke wishing invisibility and hushing on the corner.

waste

2011-07-13T18:30:00.002+03:00

I wish there was more to it rather than the repercussions of your choices. Feeling smart and calculating what might happen never helps, giving it all up acting recklessly ends up in a dead end. Being stuck in between choiceless drags you to the very border of depression. It has been a long time but now again I am in that point again, I just close my eyes and wish I was at the edge of a cliff.I dont think I would do anything but always having that option helps, sometimes it doesnt make less sense than any other option one's got. I have never been good at anything so maybe doing something right for once could help. See, whole this world is just made up of actions of people like me, in a vast scale we are all minor insects running around doing meaningless things. Trying to b happy, trying to get through, trying to make sense of what we feel. It would rather be good if I were to do nothing, no more damage, no more disappointments. I think I have been in the same place for far too long and my optimism is failing on me. It sucks to be broken in this way, it is like you cant even move to make something new, you cant ask someone to trust you, you just float on in the same circle. I have been excellent at hurting people who love me the most, and that seems to be still working. Its sad to feel sad for oneself, and that is my condition today. I have all the choices, yet I am less willing to do any of them. I dont know what is wrong but I wish I was better to some. And sometimes I think, I am too soft on people, fuck'em, they have hurt you so what it is if you fuck some people over on the way as well. Is that growth ? More and more, I am only wishing if I could crawl up and sleep next to someone.
One night when I was excellent drunk, I broke off after coming home, I was so drunk I cant even remember the words I was speaking, but I know I was accepting the fact it's been a mistake. whole this year has done nothing but taken life from my time. People have used me in the ways they wanted, I made people who love me quite sad, broke the trust of good friends, and wasted good amount of 365 days. wishtherewassomethingleft.

exit sign

2011-05-12T19:36:00.000+03:00

Now I have come to the point where you choose money over your career or vice versa. This time the dilemma is you stay and keep making money or move onto chasing your uncertain dreams. As I type it the second option seems like the best one already. I think cheating the game by going outside is better than to stay here and be a bitch to the common people you know. I think all that money I am making is quite temporary and it wont be flowing like this forever and even it does i wont find quite the real comfort i am looking for here anyway. But I know what the general tiredness is like. Maybe the laziness with the money you loose all your mobility and change anything. You get stuck finally and keep reminiscing the old days/ I want to be able to look back and be happy and proud these days all I can do is avoid it so I wont keep seeing mistakes and the changes. I am getting filled with my own life and its bringing me down, and slowly the exit sign is disappearing in the distance.

good sign

2011-05-02T13:00:00.003+03:00

Life is alike lots of other things in life is an acquired taste. As you age you find the sweets and sours and the management of that. Or that is I feel cause I am in this mood of joy&sadness. Your judgement becomes more precise and if you can keep an open mind it doesn't become something that is accurate but versatile. Which makes maybe life difficult cause every choice is not crystal clear in your head but maybe they never are but some are able to mask that indecision and just go on with what they now without any thought. There is no correct I know that much, and we cant say whatever that makes us happy, cause killing cats might be the thing that makes you happy and that don't sound too right and than society bans you etc etc. But one creates a judgement system of his own, becoming his own god, and sees life through it. Being incompetent with yourself makes it quite worse cause once you don't find comfort in yourself you look out and its the fault of all the other things. if you are a little smart you realize you keep doing the same thing and actually it is nothing but you. for years i kept i was in peace but than i realized i was just blaming the parents on an automatic response, as time passed and i got to know more people, successful ones, creative ones, failed ones, ego pumped ones, ego pumped looking but actually unhappy ones it just came to me that it is us ourselves to blame or judge for everything that has happened, at least after you are 16 or smt. Unless you look out to mature yourself you just get stuck at what you are and the same shit keeps happening again and again. I don't know why it is like that but I have always had this feeling I was growing slow, not that I ever complained but It sure did life difficult for me and let me do some instant choices. Maybe I was grown, but never had the intuition to work and make money and have comfort and get all the things you want, but i what i see that is growth; unfortunately. If you are not doing something that is making money, it looks as if you are babbling, just a loose mouth with no worries in mind. Come to think of it again that is the mindset of the society i am in right now. if i am correct, in london it was more like just be a nice guy and your friend will like you. just another note why this place is quite wrong.
I don't know why i started with that paragraph but just will go on as if nothing happened. i have this weird feeling of waking up at 3 am and not being able to go back to sleep because you are wide awake, its like i can just have a coffee and drive for hours. but instead i get locked indoors and start thinking of whats going on and whats gonna happen, yeah sort of got rid of what has happened. my deadline for leaving the country is like an impending doom sometime, though it is the greatest thing actually, and the truth is i can speed up the process in an instant but i just don't. i try judging and finding some reasons to stay but i fail and that makes me sad. I look around and think about the close friends and that number is exactly 0. I have an image of an old friend who now i look and can't reason myself how i can stand that person, its like my childhood anger. you get pissed of at something and you can't forgive that person, and you don't want to as well. You put it into judgement and you decide that person does not qualify when you think about the words spoken, things you have done for him and things he has done for him. I guess it wouldn't be such a hassle if we weren't flatmates. It just makes you sad is all, feels like its all been a waste but cant fight the past eh. Apart from that I have few friends here and there but everyone for chit chat. I have a brother which the emotional distance between us is an ocean and sometimes it doesn't exist, quite fun and interesting.
But it i s good to know that you have a brother, someone who will vouch for you anytime, wont let your back down anytime. That its the impression he created on me after all these years. I couldn't see the reason why he was showing that effort but you know, he is your brother, no need for a reason. Can't say I am better to him even though I wish but it is not so easy really, but if the day comes It would make more than happy to give him some peace in his mind, guess that would be the best help i could do for him and for all the people around me he deserves it the most. the parents are the same old ups and downs, but some things are getting weird. the distance between me and the father is getting farther and farther. Its like the problem with my brother cause we live so different lives and occupations the concepts wont match or something, but still the brother is interested a bit so he pretends better to listen but with the dad i have given up on telling him convincing him or trying to describe him anything. I get the feeling he is just willing to send me anywhere as long as my future is guaranteed, that is all the concern he has. But he has done more than enough so no hard feelings, just a bit sad to see that there is this guy who is your father and you cant find shit to talk about, having him as a stranger does not help but i have a feeling that is the way it is going to be. mother is good and gets prettier as she gets older, and after knowing her for so long she becomes the woman you manage the best, you know what makes her sad, what makes her worried etc so you fit the conversation to her enjoyment, and as long as she smiles you are OK, funny thing is she is ok if you are ok so it get too dramatic this time. Now i just see that there are three states in the family. father-distant / brother-inconstant/ mum-close.
And of course there is this girl, the girl that you just tell everything in your mind and sometimes holster your feelings just that you don't know what is going to happen to us. I think this is the 3rd relationship I have with a deadline and it doesn't help anyone, but I am the deserter so should have less to fear about but just the knowledge of being the deserter annoys. she tells me to leave as well of course, i guess she can see the misery i will be in if i stay. i get sad cause i wish i could fix smt in her life but its more like i just give day-2-day happiness thats all. sometimes when i awake next to her at 3 am ( as if this one) it makes you wonder how am I going to miss her too. I will be miles away and alone one night and out of the blue I will just remember her little pony tail or smt and just muse on that for a bit. but i guess from experience I will be able to sway it off.
There is a big debate going on my mind whether to stay or go but my heart knows i will be leaving cause out of everything i can see where this is not going. i will be working at midclass shit all the time, i wont be able to shine thru anyone, around the people i know i have no leverage or specialty that i am able to show, and i am not willing to as well cause i have given up on the place again. if my reasons to come back here to get more experience and do some nice jobs i can fairly say that i have achieved it, i have seen everything to see. most important for me i have seen a hard worker, how you can start yourself if you want to achieve something. but yeah i plan to pull all the tricks for a new city, i think i have promised many new beginnings for myself but never been sure of it as much as this one. Funny thing I never seem to learn anything as well, i keep promising i will stop trying new things, just get a job stay on your ass and enjoy it, but don't know have this stupid will and belief in myself as well. At least i am trying to make sure it is a good place at least if i work in a burger shop i can still skate and drink. i have diluted my expectations from life but i am betting it is better than wishing for a giant house.
ps. after 2 ppl told me i would make a great father saw a dream where a kid gets his head hammered by his father. good sign ?

good sign

2011-05-02T13:00:00.001+03:00

worth

2011-03-20T23:24:00.000+02:00

we sit and think. think of the times we have had. i have heard somewhere, there are two of ourselves. one that was in the past and that is one of from the future. if we were to keep the balance we should be in synch with both. like knowing what is coming for us for the things we have done. living for the consequences. now that sounds wrong all of a sudden. one should not be haunted by its past, one should not own its future. it is the things that happen without our knowledge are the best. are we too selfish to acknowledge that. this world is going on as we look out the window, as we sleep our asses off. people die, babies get born. and everything happens by as we think about the shittiest idea of paying the rent. probably is, nothing is worth it, these lives we live, thinking for a better future, hoping things to get right are never gonna happen. what do you think you can achieve as you look forward for better. an endless chase with an ego that is never gonna fill itself. we are merely beings of material and that, just hanging around. to be honest, come to think of it, great things are achieved by great groups. maybe ther is this guy who has done the best things but also there is this dude made everything possible for him.
but al this time of working and chasing and asking and questioning i think nothing is worth it now. nothing is worth of that bliss of having a nice time, isn't this how they sell the future anyway, they sell you pensions , that will let you live in your dreamland. well cant i just work in that bloody island and have a good night sleep. i don't ask for much, compared to most i reckon. i don't want a big house, i don't want a bloody car, i don't want a hot wife, well to some recognition she should be beautiful anyways, but i wish, i wish for a bed and a roof, i wish for a good meal, most importantly i wish for a friend, someone i can least the talk to, look him in the eye and trust, and a wife, just that she understands, she doesn't jude, a companion. with her own characteristics, own wishes, but her love only for me. life we live in, the society we are at, is pathetic. there is nothing to gain and nothing to give. its all money money money, its all words words words. sell yourself better, hope for the next big thing, just be there and be done with it. and what do you think that will have you achieve. what is this life worth, what is your life worth..

summary

2011-02-16T17:59:00.000+02:00

I keep making the same mistakes, I keep telling I am not gonna do them anymore. I say I wont do anything for that girl and I realize in fact I most of my actions were done for her. I tell myself I am never gonna work with that guy, and I find myself played again. I promise I wont spend a single moment more for some careeristic piece of shit things, and I do nothing but that. I say I wont complain anymore, and my silence eats myself inside out, not even there is a soul I can speak to if I wanted to. if there is a problem you yourself is the one to fix it, probably mostly I find everything my fault. But truth is it helps to talk, it helps to have friends, people tell you what they think honestly, come back to you with their problems. Fortunate enough I can find that kind of people miles away but not around the people I spend years with. Everyone seems to have their own agenda, own gossip, something to hate about the person he/she was just talking to. Seeing that happen over and over again I wonder what is being said and told behind my back.
Well, in hopes of noone be reading this blog I can freely express my ideas, my faults, my complaints right, that was the point of starting it anyway. So if you do, just act dumb eh.
The story goes like this, im in LD, and its like that classic me. I think it's ok now. I got friends, people I know, some shopkeepers to say hello to, nice house etc etc. I am constantly broke, hating my job looking for a way out. I say, well finally, maybe I can ask dad for some money and go to some bullshit course. which is quite expensive but promises quite good technical knowledge on 3d. Where, I tell myself, well if I am inspirational I will sit down and do some great personal motion videos, if not, life is good anyway, fuck it, I will just model some boxes, get my money, have BBQ at the weekend and dont give a fuck. as long as there is a good conversation I dont give a shit.
And than I come to my hometown to talk to the parents. And from the moment I land I feel a distance and shit like that. It's like I am used to London, and this city is not appealing anymore. The conversations are the same, the people are the same, nobody has nothing to talk about but just to comment on other people. Look at her dress, the way that girl acts, how ugly that kid is. I mean what the fuck do you have sponges for brains. Cant you discuss anything that means and leads to a fruitful conversation. Anyway. Than I land some freelance work from my good old buddy, who begun a motion grphc agency with his nice friend. So I do some junior work for'em. Well the shittiest part begins here, I dont like the city I know it. But it's been smt I wanted for a long time.
a. to work in motion graphics
b. work with my good old buddy
c. work with my buddies nice friend, who was his senior and I knew him remotely , but respected him highly for his grphc design taste. punk attitude. nice conversations, imagination etc. And it looks like we are in for making some money, and I am like fuck yeah. I say bye to London and London friends and move in with my good old buddy and my good old buddies flatmate. My londoner friends show so much love and missing and feelings before I depart it makes me feel like, I dont know what the fuck. I do some mushrooms just before the night I leave london with my londoner friends and everything gets mixed up in my head anyway. So i dont even know what I am feeling on the way back. And than we move in to a nice flat with my good old buddy and the flatmate. But its like the best place. at the location I have always wanted, with a nice rent, and with 2 good friends I reckon. But slowly I feel like, something is not right. Appearantly I have changed. I am much more comfortable, more confident one might say, more party minded, less likely to stay home and smoke all day and play ps3. I have enjoyed the fun of knowing new people, just laughing my ass off, not giving a shit, and at least being able to say I am in London, well actually I havent said it that much, I was more like, fucking hell another cloudy day. But there were enough distractions to not to make me realize I feel like shit.
Firstly I randomly met best couple, they were like fucking nice and excellent to me like a brother and sister and anyone could speak about anything they felt like. If somebody was angry for smt would just say it. And than I had a buddy from the city as I am but older who was in some ways like an older brother cause he was there longer than I was, knew kind of difficulties I was in, and was always willing to help, without expectations but just for the sake of friendship. And around them there were more nice people, which I can remember them for their unique personalities.
Anyway, so we get started, and I am like well fuck it I just want to work anyway, And than the work that has been coming is reducing and I realize because I havent asked enough questions, again, the whole studio is based on very thin threads. And than there is a gap for a month like there is no work. And I start waking up, what the fuck am I doing here then. But it's still ok, I got my buddy, some other friends I see so at least I am not having the worst time. Ok, maybe not so much fun, maybe because I have different ethics than to people around me, or standarts lets say. And than I start having some little discussions with the little buddy of mine. About some stupid home things, like dont open the curtains, dont leave beers on the table and that kind of bullshit. Well my main problem is you can say if yer annoyed but you dont like scold the person, you say these things nicely, especially if you are just another dickhead paying the same rent. And of course finally it breaks out, the most stupid fight happens and than we shut up. Nobody talks to nobody. So now I got something quite worse. I live in a house with a guy I mostly wanna punch in the face. Cant help but feel like there is a heat in my chest. Or I get sentimentel and feel like shouting and screaming and crying or just knowing what the fuck to do. I find myself cursing in bed because I cant go to sleep. My main reason for moving out was this hate, I used to have with my parents. Like a constant anger in the house, which was based by papa of course. And now I end up in the same loop but only worse I work in the sameplace. Well fuck the work, we got common social scene. So it dumb as hell like dating and breaking up, and than counting what you have done for the guy and getting more angry and thinking like 'yeah I knew it, I knew it and still did it.'
Now I can only fall asleep because its 5-6 AM and I am exhausted, or get drunk than fall asleep. Only to wake up in the morning like shit wtf. So it's been swell. I am looking for ways out and I am finding quite few. But it will take a few months, and I can hardly ease my self with that thought. What makes me most sad though the scars and the feelings this is going to leave me with. I never wanted to be a distant, silent person but I am quite sick of this now. Maybe I let people down, and this is how it comes back to me. Maybe I am spoilt as hell so I ruin what I have if it's to perfection and than try to get something else. But yeah what doesnt kill you makes you stronger but numb as hell with it. Its like your heart sores up and you become like you couldnt give a fuck about anyone else. Noone is worth the sacrifices, I learned how straightforward and shutdown girls can be from half german/half french gf of mine, I guess I learned if you think if a person is an asshole, and you keep ignoring it he is gonna be different cause you are his friend, well you are wrong.
On the bright side, whole this experience has not been so ass fucking eventually, I can assuringly and from the depths of my heart can say I have learned shitloads from my senior, saw how to carry a project from a bare sketch to a full fledge project, whereas my uk boss wouldnt know what to do and go around like a headless chicken panicking his way through as he closes on the result. And saw how business runs, to chase your money, build up my ego, have like my strongest feeling of fuck all to people I have known, so simply put, cant wait to get on an airplane an bon voyage this lifeless people. But I must confess, there is a quality of people in this city, but most are on the run like me, or masturbating with their egos on the roof. and alas the this city is the prettiest I have seen and it probably it will be likely. Its got all the nostalgia, all the rich and poor, and those little shops which you have no idea how they make money but they still do. I think I owe all that to being able to live in this house I am living right now. But yeah, I have like 3 people to thank to and thats all. But its been swell, and quite fun to right this down eventaully. Lucky for me you will be lazy enough to read the whole thing anyway, even if you do, not sure you can make sense of it because there are no names and proper punctuations so it gets mixed up. But even if you read a line knowing its me, you are friend who cares what I think. or maybe a schemer trying to get inside my head.
P.S.: not being suicidal really helps you move on to better things.

new year

2010-12-31T18:58:00.002+02:00

this new year feels like I am counting all the mistakes and where everything adds up to an infinite mountain. I think people around me are not unhappy, they are just unhappy around me. I piss of a lot of people and do wrong by most of them, and on top of it I keep thinking I am a good person just because I don't steal.
I come to realise that I am a pig an piss people off on a constant, I cant get to a level where I can communicate freely without fucking anything up, cannot success in a relationship because my affairs with meself is beyond repair already so how can i contact someone through my heart when I cannot figure out what is going in my head. I have been hustling thoughts offa my head but it really is not working anymore. I sleep like 7 am in the morning, just so I can smoke enough, get tired enough so I can just pass out without thinking much about what could have been, what I should have or shouldn't have done. Even so I wake up in the mornign with the same regretful feelings. Where I can feel time passing up, and can see things are just not getting easier. and one more thing with time, you get hopeless. if you are not getting happier you feel just so much hopeless you beg for a routine so that you wont have to think anymore. sometimes I can smile I can imagine so much, still believe by the end of next year I could be somewhere else. So far that I wont have to damage anyone that I know, that are around. that I can flip that reset button again. One time I succeeded famously but thought I was making a brave decision in my life when chose to come back. I dont know why I keep doing this to myself. Why do I chase shit in my life. Why cant I just live, while I have everything to live for. All I can count on these days, is some friends I have known while I was in London. I think I let'em down as well, just as i left there in an instant. In my head i think I am an instant being, i am not attached to anyone but yet i crave for their attention and love.
today is the day i feel shittiest.

swamp

2010-11-19T17:33:00.002+02:00

this is the fourth row i am waking up from a nightmare. the bad part is it is not just an evil nightmare, it is an emotional one. personally i find it quite fun to be chased by monsters, get scared to shit in my dreams, it is like a doze of action you cant get in real life. but the ones, the ones that have you crying in front of your family, they are not so much fun. last time i was crying at my parents house, jealous of my brother ; i think because he was so free and able to do whatever he wants ; feeling like everything is wrong with my life. my life was something that had turned a pile of compiling wrong choices made over and over. every action i try to fix something just makes my situation more worse, more complicated. much like a swamp, every time you struggle, you just sink. than i was crying, but it was sort of crying, like real hard. one that you cant stop yourself and wish someone would see you and help you out, because you havent got any clue how to stop that. it feels like it can go forever, mostly i guess you just faint and fall asleep, in this case i woke up though, feeling like shit. trying to makes sense out of this. cant remember what was happening on those last 4 nightmares but they were quite similar. the one i had last night, my dad was buying the studio i was working for, and was firing me because i was useless, and than my whole world was falling apart etc. and the one before that was about some work as well.
so I can make 2 things out of these experiences, first one is i am quite like myself first time in england, begging to work because there isnt much anything else that excites me. which is quite wrong, i have got shitloads to do here, and i am not really bored. and the second was my brother always acts like i am doing everything he ever wanted, i have the free-crazy life, where i dont have to fear suits, and can enjoy a spliff at work, so i see myself if I were him ? or just that he always did what he wanted actually, and i, with some fake sense of responsibility always tried to chase a career. which is what really strikes me these days. i have been working around in design, and wanting that just so i have a trade. but on the meanwhile my mind is always parted. i dont want any responsibilities, any future, any house with a garden and lovely wife and children. i want this life to be the ride and end it when it does, without too much struggle or connections to the world. just want to go through it painless and easy as possible as it is.
at this it is quite certain i have some sort of sadness in me, and it is one that i cannot put it into words. to start with i dont want anybodies opinion, and second i am sick of complaining, and to be quite honest i dont have the right to do so. i dont feel like worrying or resentful of leaving london because future is unwritten, can go back, can go elsewhere, can make everything better. i find my reasons for coming back useful enough, just sometimes a kick in my head, just why dont use your birthright resources, but if i dont want to get connected, this is the way. and i cant lie about it but i surely miss people i had known over the last year. whenever i need to sleep i need to think about something. if i think about my life, i get confused and burdend so i cannot sleep, if i can, i think about an action scene and fall asleep, if there is a girl, i think about the girl the times we had, but these days, i think about all the good times we had, but i sway them out of my head. because it doesnt help. and come to think of it, it is always like that. you go there and think about the last one, but maybe, i should just get a ticket for friends and my sake. one thing that will make me feel better. and the reason of my great boredom is, just one of these used to be best friend i live with. but you know what, fuck it. i think i will keep my head up and keep saying, yeah, i am alright.

Cemiyette Pişiyorum - Supradin

2010-11-08T23:21:00.001+02:00

İçine al beni,et rengi tuzak.Yaşadığın en pis şey bu olacak.
Bazıları hala pişmiş et yiyor.Herkes kendini mutfakta sanıyor.
Bakmasana yüzüme.Gerçekten düştüm ben.Çıkmam gerek düştüğüm yerden.
Gözlerim bozuldu,ne yaptın bana?Bazen şarkı söylüyorum sana.
Unuttuğum herşey senin adında,içtiğim herşey şurup tadında

environment

2010-11-02T05:30:00.003+02:00

we adapt to the environment we live in, unlike many creatures we have a survival instinct working on far more level and depth. like social life. depending on the people around us, what they think, how they talk, things they enjoy, a person reacts instantly, sometimes by imitation and knowledge if lucky finding the fun side of things going on around him. facts like there is a society here, built on their own knowledge and eachothers mind, making them a unified organism that acts with an attitude. every person in the chamber reacts to the moral values, thoughts, judgement of the swarm. which makes us nothing more than ants running around in panic, but if you can just make fun of it, there isn't much to worry about.

boa

2010-10-23T21:24:00.002+03:00

so ... here i am again. at the place i least wanted to be all of a sudden. why .. things go the wrong direction and i find myself worried.. but more than i feel sad. i thought i had a friend and i guess i honestly dont. i feel like my mother, she keeps saying where have i done wrong, and i kept thinking things just happen, there is no wrong. you cannot ultimately plan everything, you cannot foresee what people are. some people i meet they told me they used to love me back in the day, as if it was centuries ago. and i wonder what has changed since than, i feel like... numb again. which i really dont want to put in words, cause i dont like finding myself rehearsing the same words, same emotions.
so ... the larger you put yourself into something the bigger risks you take, i guess now having a whole bunch of people knowing me, and hearing about the guy who got back, what the fuck is he up to. not the nicest think i confess. i keep thinking what the fuck do i care, and i see myself in the same line of job as i am. so am i the only one who just stands out ?
all the reason i had to have place was to have a place of my own, and i that turning into horrible, i was always easy with that, if you dont like it change it, and now i have tangled myself idiotically and i keep wondering on my own where does it go than ? i had enough with surge of emotions coming all of a sudden, i am sick of the shaking the trembling and the eyes warming up ready to burst. i was able to bury any strong feeling i had, for a good time. now, i cant take it, i really cant, its not even a girl its a fucking life time friend, or so i thought. always imagined we would depart, different characters and all but did not imagine like this. i guess it is what it is.
this... i am sick of this...

time

2010-10-19T04:49:00.002+03:00

it was everything in my head and all the things i could have imagined. I heard everyone speaking and thought it was all about me. I saw I was speaking through their mouths. I heard them speak in a Russian breed language which I could not join. I saw true feelings of people for eachother and felt there was a distance between amongst everyone. I felt the guys were looking at me weird and I was laughing at the same time with girls, and the men were bored out of their minds, everyone was speaking about sex and everyone wanted to have sex. I shrunk so much I couldnt respond but neither could leave the room. Everyone was looking at me and trying to find out what was wrong with me. I woke up to myself thinking what I have had said, I imagined they agreed on not telling me and decided to hide it for my own good, since I was not remembering what I had done, as if my brain couldn't accept the truth of my thoughts.

The last night I had with everyone whilst departing from a life I didnt imagine what would become, a life I hadnt planned to start nor end. A time happened so fast with telling so much to me, going me through something so interesting and unimaginable. People I have met each an individual, each with something certain. Each somehow care about eachother and me, at the land of the deserters alikes and differents find support amongst eachother. And on that last night we were gonna have together I had the confontration of my life I guess. I could see what I had always thought. I saw the lines of time, through all the coordinates of space, seeing each action leading to something else. I saw the pattern of movement and everything repeating itself over and over again. It was nice to be in a place where there are no boundries and you are inside your head, shitless scared but also something that is you.

After I woke up, I spent my last hour with the person who I loved dearest. A person I have been able to close and open without any thoughts, without holding back or thinking twice. Something like a deep relationship, and me leaving was the break-up I reckon. After this time who knows what happen, how much people change, but I guess what I had is something I wont have again.

Since than I am back, and feeling shallow and emotionless. I shared my emotions whenever I could, I gave everything I had whenever I had the chance, If I had a chance to kiss someone, and was dying to do it, I wouldnt stop. But now I do, I think there is a limit one can take of emotional baggage. I think I had enough of emotions, and this feels like nothing and that I prefer.

Whole my life I tried to hang onto something, to have a balance and keep a static but somehow I had nothing happening in a regular it has been a constant change, which I think is one of the best things one can have. And now I dont care about it, I wish to have no goal, no expectations, but somehow I end up at the part where the most promising will happen as keep on line. This whole life, everything just keeps going on the opposite direction.

rider

2010-10-03T19:19:00.002+03:00

my face is more obvious now, people can tell if i am lying, which is not a matter that i mind but rather prefer. as you know i tend to see my life as a row of movie sequences and i can definitely say yesterday night was one of them. i had smt i hadnt for a long time, maybe years. the feeing of someone that just makes you feel whole, the old communication you had, the same things that bug you. all was there just like it was written before. though all this just shows what i have grown into the past 2 years. i know whatever i do she is going to departure and that will be it. but i really dont mind, i have no more hopes of anything nice, its just good as it lasts. i'm so used to the feeling of being left alone, it dont scare me no more one way or the other

make do

2010-09-24T16:42:00.002+03:00

Seeing a girl you had loved like crazy 3 years ago, and never saw again was quite the experience. What would make me a emotional wreckage for months now only lasted for 3 days. After seeing her once and leaving with a kiss next day I thought 'what if', second day 'probably not', last day it was more like 'who cares'. Now I walk around proclaiming my expectations from this life, is quite low, but the good part is, I am happy with it. No more I think there is me that is gonna achieve something worth remembering, or noticing. It will be just my being that will mark people's memory and probably that won't be the best picture to draw. Now I am just trying to gain a trade, a trade that will keep me floating and alive on this world, hopefully a medium I wont be fed up with soon.
Children get born, adults go to work, elderly sit and muse. I think I will make do.

mess

2010-09-14T06:49:00.002+03:00

I have disobeyed every rule I ever believed in. Which dont make me a bad person because I believe everyone is the same - this is kind of a relief method maybe.. But every rule, like, dont date a girl from your school, dont go into long distance relationships, dont go back to your ex, if you do, dont go again, never think about the past, your choices are made just deal with it, moments are too scarce to be lived by resent etc.

maybe its growing up, but I prefer to calling getting cold. Like you actually give up something in your heart, without recognition you loose that idealist, child-belief in your heart. The thing that makes you go to a country you have no idea about cause ' well I'm destined for great things'. Now, I stand in a position that I have given up. Well, not given up, but not expecting much. I dont have dreams like 'well I work with a great designer, someone will see my hidden talent, and rainbows are gonna rise from allover'. I am more like, yeah this isnt bad at all.. Come to think of it, maybe it's better. Though I must confess, in the last two years I have met so many great people it made me think 'fuck all else, just having good people around you is enough'
So, about growing, if I ever sit down here, and think, the choices I have made, coming back etc etc. Fact for fact this is true with all my heart apart from work the my will to stay is quite unexisting. But also, whatever you leave behind seems nice, at least for me. I dont think like ,this could have been better, that was better, I just say ' well everything has it's pros and cons'. Here I have nice work, good contacts, people really involved with what they do, and who they are good at it. In London I have people who care about me, crazy nights, shitloads of fun. Maybe thats the thing, it hurts, to see that I am in a crowd, which had almost forgotten me, and I met a group of people less than a year and they will remember me more. Looking at friendships I have right now, I really cant tell why they are..

It is weird how everything got, looking back, I am so different. Well, what I speak, what I say is still the same. But what I feel, what I act, I dont know if people realise it or not. I see everyone around me just temporary, maybe being out of peoples lives 1 year just makes you dead. or to this bunch maybe. But me, around here, there isnt one soul that around me, that I can talk, my guts out, what I feel, what I am worried about, how I feel about my life. I feel like, they dont listen anyway, most people I can think what they are gonna say. WIth girls, I dont feel like making a connection, through my life I told stuff and wanted people to sympathies, now I feel fed up. I dont want...

anyway, I am reading all this I wrote and dont make much sense to me. All that is in my gut that I wanna throw is, first idea that always loops in my head, choice done, shut the fuck up. and the second is I am having difficulty sleeping.

arrival

2010-09-01T09:14:00.002+03:00

Another state and situation i am in, giving me sleepless nights. Think this runs in the family, when indecisive to be awake judging all that has been in the past and done. Which is quite stupid obviously. Dont know where this endless chain of expectations comes to me. Is it like I have so much resource on spending fucking education but nothing else, so I lock myself in a way whether I perfect myself thru it, or just push things like everyone else around me hoping things work out.
But anyway, it is a point where I have to pick for certain if I am leaving or arriving. I cannot prolong this situation no more than 10 days. So gotta make my mind up. Just made a chart like the ones I have made before, writing all the facts, bonusses and losses around. Basically if for money it seems like home, and if I believe in smt that I can do in london than uk. but the thing is I have been doing what I can supposedly for a year. That was the main reason I was staying, but a year later I was still doing the same job hating it more. Hating it with my fucking guts so to say. Though in the meantime I met wonderful people and was having a good time. But on the other hand, I havent known anyone for very long yet eh.. Though it is true you cant run out of fucking things to do in London, wish work was one of them.

For home, I am still singing the same song, after I get a place maybe I will get more organized, self efficient bla bla. But at least if I have a good job it will still be progress.
For London, I can just be there. No idea where it will lead, no idea how depressed i might get, no idea wtf I will think. But as I was writing this down, being unemployed when everyone is, will be quite boring. I can see the horrible morning I woke up to. Fucking hell.

If I do stay, I somehow have to get the twist on this fucking money thing. It is much better to live in an enviroment where people dont know your whereabouts. I promise you that.

Would be fucking brilliant to have someone to talk to. But I got myself and the wall here to talk to. Both are responding the same. I dont know a fucking thing.

deep blue

2010-08-24T20:39:00.000+03:00

SATURDAY, AUGUST 21, 2010

21 AĞUSTOS 2010 CUMARTESI

I have been thinking a lot. Here and there. The time goes by, I feel fine, It is like back to normal, where I wonder no more about the outcomes. It is like, the stuff just goes by, life happens as you stand by, but you have a feeling it is nice. It's like where things are supposed to be. But as always I know myself as I ever be. I could wake up any day to any feelings feeling regret or withdrawal somehow, but anyhow, so far and all it feels nice right now. It is good you can spot so many lives, and see, your similarities, your differences and all the same things, what makes you connect, and you end up in the same room even though you have no connections but still have a good time. Maybe this is what everyone needs, what would make on a happy and nice person; to have someone around which you have nothing in similar but there is something in common. Maybe it is just the fact you are the same breed, or you just worry about the same things in different levels. It is everything, and they all just go by, and so we must too. There is nothing more, than what you have right now.

we are ok

2010-08-02T16:03:00.002+03:00

So, I am here and it seems I am here for a while more. Yes I do feel alienated but than again I always am a bit. It is somehow beter though, having other places to go in your head just takes the pressure off, u start thinking like , well if they dont like me, I'll fuck off, done it before will do it again.
I have no idea what this job will bring to me, but I hope it's long term and it turns out good. I still have the first month paranoia, the feeling like you are not doing enough to prove yourself, you are not earning your wage etc etc. The best part, I am not keen on seeing anyone anyways so it's fine to sit in the office all day. As long as I am busy and working and hustling.
There is one odd thing thou, maybe it's because I am not busy in my own little world, but ex's keep leaking in my dreams. It really is unpleasant I must say. You wake up with thought of someone you must not have, you go wonder what they are doing on facebook and than feel pathetic. It is odd, I feel emotionally alone I guess. My home town is the same but maybe I am different, I dont feel like going and telling people what's in my head, what I am feeling what I am missing. It seems like nobody cares anyhow, people just want to gossip and have a bit of laugh. Or it another adaptation phase.
I think I have melted to that point of fine being, I want to work hard, be with nice people, and have a house with a nice girl. just leave me alone than, take your commercials, politics, wars and keep'em to yourself. Just let me go to work, come home to my girl, watch a movie and sleep. And than we are ok.

you

2010-07-13T02:17:00.003+03:00

I am not angry. I am not sad. I am quite nervous, I am somehow excited. Going to take a journey, but it feels like nowhere I have been before. Never been out of home for 6 months and went back, I feel somehow alienated, somehow scared that I wont be able to connect and if I do wont be able to depart. I never wanted to make choices, I never wanted to have responsibilities but circumstances just didn't let me. I had to make choices, make mistakes, feel forced to get in charge, felt like I was becoming something I never imagined and never wanted probably. Some maybe call this growth but I am scared that I can almost see the glimpse of disappointment and failure in the horizon. I look back a year and I remember I was so self confident. I believed I could create my own luck, just be me and the world would appreciate it and things would just turn out, I believed I could be loved but not be rejected. But everything feels grim somehow, so grim it is beyond my sight and realisation. I try to move so fast that I dont realise I am here, I just want to be there. I wanted to enjoy the moment and I am failing it so bad. I am imagining places I am not, hoping for futures I dont have, I get so scared in this cloud of hopes now I just want to avoid my expectations. I just want to life to happen as it does and I can go by it's pace. I will act, I will scheme, I will fit in. I will feel that pain on my back slowly fading away, just feels like a warning of my slow loss, detachment. I look at homeless people I cant imagine how people could live like this, I look in the mirror and my thoughts aren't that far off. I just want to pause, I want that choking grip on my neck to disappear. I am back to square one, I thought I progressed, I grew brave, I could do things but I am no different now after all this. I hate everything, I beg to be alone and I have no expectations.
I have no idea how to evaluate a life like this, cant seem to explain why, I am sick of lying for the accomplishments in my head I have achieved. Nothing is done, it's square one always.
You
I dont like you

gr

2010-06-08T04:29:00.002+03:00

why cant one accept his actions as it is. why always bother to question, why wonder how and why. as feel like im spinnig with my radius only ever growing, having me move away from the center, what everything was. but still i yearn for what i wanted to have what i could i had whereas there is nothing but the future in front of me, in front of all of us. why is this persistency to be sad, why this crazy self doubt that i am trapping myself, its fear maybe getting to me. but why, there is no reason, there is nothing to be feared, it seems like in my world only disturbance is me myself. that is the only thing that i cant fix. all i know it is just getting stronger the instability and i can really tell it. happy monday, sad tuesday, happy wednesday morning miserable evening. and the only thing is, when it pains, it makes no sense. why the fuck bother, i feel like i should be at my prime but i am diggin my own grave. now i feel more and more stuck. i cant go study anywhere for the next year, even if i had the chance to do so i wont be paying for it, and being in hands of your dad is not really the best feeling. i cant change my job here i think, dont think legals permit that very easily. i want to promis myself i wont have one more miserable winter but cant help it feels like it will be more than the winter that will be miserable. i can feel that i am losing touch. i am losing faith. i can feel my smile is not a smile anymore it just is a reflex, it's just what everybody else does. i am scared of sleeping that i won't want to wake up anymore and just sleep as much as i can. i am scared to sit and commit to anything i feel like i failed everything. i know i should get out of this mindset just trying to push the same old wrong things, and should accept it just is not working. if you are promising yourself you will do it better tommorow and it has been fucking years it just feels miserable than ever. imagine being like this in 10 years, than how will you forgive yourself. i swear to god i want nothing but to disappear, i dont want to evolve, i dont want to read, i dont want to absorb. i just wish to be silent. i hate this, i hate this forced society, i can just ...

thoughts

2010-05-09T02:54:00.002+03:00

We, we just evolve continously. So many lives, so many things to encounter. Each thing changes us, just look around and see, variety of lives going on, conversations people are having. Even though you judge someone as stupid, that person has a reality, an understanding of what they are going throgh, which in this case is, life. A pathway we draw, and just look back, think, what have we done, where did we go. It seems surprisingly fun nowaday, just being able to adapt to a routine, act like grown-ups, ask a nice girl out for dinner, plan your days, try to push things through. And it also feels weird, that just to see. you can adapt, you can force yourself into. And it makes you wonder, am i forcing myself, or is this just happening. The only thing, one and only thing that really disturbs me sometimes, have i become this, or I made myself become this, am I giving up my dreams, am i thinking that i, myself, is not so far that so good, is not capable of so much, should i expect less of my being. or am i just finally learning to take one bite at a time, and getting there slowly but surely... i can remember times i expected to be found, by someone, as if i was a missing talent, and also, they were times i expected a geniune asking me for 3 wishes.

i think it is better now, it feels normal, it feels healthy, it seem i can still imagine goals. but this time, i can handle them with the attention they need, and consider the time that has to be spent.

and it is difficult, maybe the most difficult, to know why am i doing this. A showoff , proove yourself to someone, just beat your brother on an imaginary race, maybe you really like it, maybe you understand this is the way to do it.

It is just that, everything is happening, the time is just going. my biggest worry, as an endless romancer, just to miss, what i had, just that i make myself so invulnarable to outside, that i fail, to find anyone to share anything, cause if not, everything i do, is just quite pointless. i am just as all, a being, begging to be recognized, begging to be remembered...

hm

2010-04-19T14:23:00.000+03:00

i think i think too much...

immortal

2010-04-11T20:32:00.002+03:00

people could be immortal. as long as they believe in it. but as life goes on, and you end up things that dont satisfy you, but keep you busy you loose that. you loose your connection whatever you had it with. its like loosing hope and giving up. just waiting for a car crash or something in that business.

bone

2010-04-07T04:58:00.001+03:00

better a broken bone than a broken spirit

like

2010-03-22T22:15:00.002+02:00

i have this weird pain re-occurring at times. its like a stinging feeling, like something is pulling my flesh. it's not painful, it just is disturbing. It just dont feel natural that pain. It isnt from inside, it isnt on the outside, it just is there, like a silent scream more like. Times i feel like shit, or think if something is wrong, there that it occurs. Even worse it just is like reminding me, that everything is wrong, i am wrong, moment is wrong, direction is wrong. that i am doing this thing again, just passing time, just being there, just trying to be present, whereas i am not. I just look around glassed eyes. Nothing really make sense, my words, i really dont hear them. Every sentence is like small talk, not really there, its just conversation cause there is nothing else. Maybe people share but i cannot. I feel like a blockade, stuffed to my ears and mouth, I cannot speak of my troubles, i am so bored of them and more of speaking of them. I have every answer and every question in my head, I feel like I can do the math to create a universe in my head, but my weakness kills me. I feel like I can barely walk anyway, who am I to act. I feel like crawling to a corner and passing away, I feel like disappearing and just staying there, I feel like I can see myself trying to become a shade just so I can watch the whole world go by, just leave me bymyself because i am tired. So fucking tired of trying to figure out myself, trying to realize why am i doing what am i doing. I feel like blowing my brains out just so they would be silent for a fucking change. I feel like the whole world its trembling and it just wants to collapse on me .I feel like all

forest

2010-03-11T15:23:00.002+02:00

I burned down a forest and noone looked, i pointed at the sky but our gazer were drifted apart. The sound of my clapping hands fall on deaf ears. From here on I can see the darkness like a tunnel, shaping and bending as a path in my front. I take steps and mumble my tune, I dont care anymore if my voice is untuned and my looks are dead, cause I have achieved invisibleness. It's soft and clear here. There is nothing to listen but heartbeat of your heart, wondering how long it has been going for how long it can bare. just kick back and relax. here we are coming marching in silence.

pointless

2010-02-18T14:08:00.003+02:00

I feel like there is a fire inside me. I feel like I want to explode. I feel like I dont anymore. life is cumulativing on my back, my throat is soar, i cant breath, each breath seems to stack up in my stomach, telling me i cant anymore. i was scared of looking dull, and I now a fire inside me has now gone. it's total darkness, just like a black wall. I am lost inside walking around bumping to the corners, bleeding, wounding meself. No idea why I am putting myself through this. It is quite pointless now. quite very much it is.

much

2010-02-14T00:11:00.004+02:00

I look out the window. There is a city growing beyond window. It goes a long way. Like fields of corn it's miles and miles long. It's gray and dark. People wander in the streets running under the rain covering themselves with the sleeves of their coats. Everybody is in a hustle, everybody is in a rush. Everyone on the street is just a by passer. There are no friends but only objects. Everyone is late for something, everybody has a deadline. We venture from door to door everyday, home & job. Feel just happy that we don't have to worry or think. Just be busy managing everything in time, everything in schedule. We all need a plan, forget about trying to fit the pieces but just try to fit the puzzle instead. It's easier, it's already there, and everybody is doing it.

In the distance of the city, a can see a globe of darkness growing. It's growing and it's getting so big, it's all over us now. Almost certain it's going to swallow us all, just a big dark bubble, when you look it don't reflect, it don't sound, it don't feel. Nobody sees it but everybody is aware of it, but everybody is busy. We are all living time bombs with our deadlines, waiting for the end. We have no idea what are we running for sometimes, but it's good, we are just unaware.

I stop. In the never ending buzzing of the black crowd I stand, as everyone passes by. There are no faces but just a image of bodies moving around, going somewhere. I can feel the cold. It's getting in my bones. I wonder, how did this happen. Why did this happen. Have we forgotten to be scared, have we forgotten to choose. Have I had myself too much time for myself to think. I look at my hand and wonder if it's real. I lift it to sky to make sure I can't see past behind it. I shook and tremble. Stand and muse. I'm almost sure if I scream no one would stop. We call this society, an alienated group of people following a set pattern. I wish I was there, I wish I was choiceless.But I'm not. I feel aware. I feel to aware. I feel I ask too much. I feel I'm not what I seem or what I feel. I feel wrong, I feel misunderstood and mistold. I want to re-write, re-pattern everything. I wish to care less. I wish we are all happy and I make no one unhappy, but this time starting with me. I wish I wasn't hungry and feeling somewhat important. I wish I never believed TV and what's going on that wide white screen. I wish I never felt like an individual. And I especially wish I never felt special. But I'm not any of these. I'm just here standing, and looking, where everything looks bleak and try to understand how can they cope, how can they survive. I try to figure out after all these times and days, how could I feel the same. I wonder where I stand and what I mean. I wish to exist in others mind as a good creature but I find myself in doubts if that is really me, if that is my reflection. I want to be great, I want to flourish, I want to smile and laugh. I don't want to muse or worry. I just want to 'be'. I really don't want to compare, find company in others misery. I just want to fix and make better.

We're just human, and we are the most upmost complicated things, because only we are capable of going completely wrong, or totally right, and try to define one as wrong or right. We are just a flash in millions of years of life, but with the upmost urge of existing for once, we feel it revolves around us. How can we not where it only is life as long as you are a part of it. We have to crawl out of our shelves and miseries and look outside. Not too far we have to look, just a person next to you, living breathing, doing the same thing, only with a different thought. We have so much to tell we all are a legend by on our own. It's just us how we tell the story what we make of it. As much as we enjoy existence, we must savor our inexistence. I'm only wishing, as opaque as I am, transparent I am too. I'm wishing I'm invisible. I think everything will rot and there is no fixing this. Just stand still and expect it to end. It's just a storm. One of many. It'll eat a bit of your skin, rip pieces of your heart, have a kick in your brain. But after all we're just human. If we can't even stand still, I don't think there is much to it. But than again, there never is much to it.

imperfect

2010-02-05T19:43:00.003+02:00

im hoping to be very silent and still in the future, well, at least i very much hope to. Just sit, and muse. But just to evaluate things not to judge or hope just to, observe. be there and understand that things are happening and everything is in it's on course. and sometimes it's best to watch than be a part. im hoping i could be very calm and happy when i muse in my silence. and afford company of myself where there will be no one. it is quite funny&silly in so many ways for me. i transformed into a social beast able to do everything i have never done in my life , in two months and than now slowly im sinking back to what im used to be, but with a feeling in my tummy, sometimes saying, well there it was, what are you waiting for? wouldnt you prefer that. as always i find myself battling with myself. its sometimes good not try to explain, but just be in that moment by yourself. i only hope, it means something, no, im not expecting a light at the end of tunnel or something, all i hope, that i could be proud of myself. just look back and say, good job kid. well, in all honesty ,so far, at the end of each year i hated myself and marked the mistakes i did want to fix. im hoping this is coming to an end. we cant go forever trying to fix what is not totally broken. we are imperfect. and i just want to be still.

transition

2010-02-04T15:21:00.001+02:00

i'm here. and you are there. buildings,rivers,mountains,oceans between us. still i can stare and see your face. sometimes the whole world seems to be made out of glass on a horizontal line, just a peek and it's in front of you miles away. maybe that is not the world but the past. let's try to burn our memories with every piece of crap we could fill our heads with so that we can just lie down and rest. just so we are blind and past is muddy now. i am sorry but you are delusional. of course there is no past, there is only the future. if you can do so, only the moment. yes buddy, find your switch and turn yourself off if you can. this whole life will end up being a transition era. and than, we just sleep. i like the freelance whales intro song.

stray

2010-02-02T01:34:00.002+02:00

i think its mandatory they find a new way to distribute music when there are so many indie bands, and people just cant spend the money to buy the albums. apart from that life is quite everything, it makes hell of a difference to have a roof on your head. but today i just couldnt help myself but think about the past and try to relive to memories or look for a way to revive them. it is even worse for a guy like me where i see all the reasons and all the results but still do everything bluntly. I think its just obvious im in so much pain cause i cant make myself happy now and look for shelter in the past whereas it is quite obvious that past didnt work out and that is the reason why i am here. but always ,i think, i find a way to make myself miserable and just make myself unhappy. I am sorry but I guess I just cant focus on an objective that is good for my next 5 years, i am sorry but i just cant. quite simple i need this requirement to be adored and be missed by someone, selfish bastard i would say, but cmon who isnt now. And i am also miserably sorry to proclaim this but i started thinking daily suicides again. someone clever would draw an illustration each day making something out of this, but i just find myself ways to feel weak and ignore it. we have got so much potential and this nonexisting pressure on our shoulders we just get burdened with of life, when there is exactly nothing to be burdened of, apart from what people tag us. people call u clever and gifted and you just find yourself pushing that direction, but it is just my fault, it is just lack of self esteem. i am not feeling particularly bad now, but i am feeling bad most of the time. i just feel like i need to stray. stray like a dog.

deserved

2010-01-28T12:10:00.002+02:00

think all the think i thought i deserved are coming finally. I always thought there would be someone or something to put me through such torture as I have put others. I completely feel like a fool, for being brutally honest, for trying to be brutally honest and failing. Failing as losing last bits you had that gave a bit of hope and joy in your heart. Now I feel there is nothing but to turn my back. It feels like we just shouldnt hope and let this happen. I feel this is deserved. Our lives seemed to shape by cuts and bruises we have got, I wish i could believe in something positive, i wish i could believe in something pure but now everything i have had is turning to a black mold. I am working in every way to stop feeling, I am so broken just happy to be able to get by. Here i am torn, given up, just hopeful the day will start and it will end. I wish for nothing new to come as there is no hope or happy ending. Just more mistakes to be made, more resentments to carry. Every social occasion is becoming more of a burden. I want to get back into isolation, I want to be the way I was before, I want to be alone. I want to be so alone that I dont have to talk, and level myself. Just be peaceful in a dark,black,void. Think its better this way, cold than warm. Lets build a brickwall, and just stay in there, where we dont need to talk nor share, or be someone. Lets just be it. Lets just exist, as if we never did.

2010-01-28T12:02:00.001+02:00

it's gonna hurt this much.

stuck

2010-01-26T19:53:00.002+02:00

im sleepy. im dazed. i stand in a corridor without orientation. tube seems like long hospital corridors you dont want to walk. you feel like all you need is oxygen. you can taste drought on your lips. your chair feels like sinking sand and you just plunge in it more and more. Terrible things are to come you can feel but your stuck in a moment. It's real annoying to be stuck. I think I have lost my cure.

you yourself

2010-01-15T18:20:00.002+02:00

i had forgotten how much it hurt. and god i wish i never remembered it. There is nothing i can do just sit here with the burn in my chest. there is no action i can do. i fucked up. there is no one i can talk. no one i can communicate. i feel stranded and alone on an island. much more than way before. i have no idea what to do, what direction to take. i am lost. i am numb. i cant think straight, i just cant do shit. i am tired of fucking up, doing it all wrong getting nowhere in this rat race. i feel like swimming against the stream. i dont want a tomorrow for myself. finally. after 1 year i am back to where i started. now i want to be off, and dead, i just dont want any more future. how sickening life is, if it is so good at bringing you down so much, and how great it is, just to know you yourself is to blame.

hmpfh

2010-01-10T20:46:00.002+02:00

stop bothering. drinks just seem to go away faster as they come by. i seem the enjoy it more and more. And not of the friendly chattering i am getting, its just the nice numbness that i get. I love it when i am dizzy and able to think more and feel more confident and secure and just existing. What do we need to feel existed, no, maybe the question should be what do i need to be feel existing, feel like i am worth a piece, to feel like i can talk for myself, protect myself, pick up a fight, defend my opinion. Is that what existence means, well actually, it is for me. Just to be able, stand up and say something, especially if that is meaningful. Or as I remember in a far reminiscence i have, just to be happy. Just to smile and not give a fuck, not be worried. And now i think about it, the only reason i feel like i need to be more, more concentrated, more successful, is that everyone around me is. Everybody tries to figure out their life, to the best for themselves, increase their incomes, whereas i dont give a fuck or two. Not that i have always been comfortable, i just dont want, the nonexisting happiness reality that is forced upon us. The wishes for a bigger screen, better machine, the feeling to buy stuff just to forget what shit life we are having. It feels like we are only working to buy, to buy stuff that make us forget, that make us dull. That is not what i want, i want to be everything, i want to exceed myself, i want to expand, be myself, speak, be intimate, not wear a fucking mask of laughter and smile for the ones around for that they might be future investments. This is turning out to be one fucking meaningless life, and i am getting quite upset with it.

immortal

2010-01-07T13:36:00.000+02:00

i should stop making mistakes, and think i can fix them. I cant spend my whole time trying to fix what i have done wrong. Just do the right thing, and live with it. clever isnt it ?

string

2010-01-07T11:52:00.003+02:00

it starts to feel like whole this life is becoming something very much disappointing for me. It starts to seem like everything i have done is just a transaction era in my life, not knowing where it end. My efforts useless just thrown away i feel like. I wonder to myself and try to remember a day where i wasnt worried and i can do surprisingly enough but those days seem unreal and far away. What is it that i should do know ? expect to be saved, try to play my part and end up somewhere nice, that i no longer bother myself about tommorow? i never wanted to care, never wished to, but i feel obliged to. Do you know how terrible it is to wake up every morning and feel like shit, review all your mistakes and faults, wonder when is it going to be better ? be in a zone where there is noone to talk, where you have burned the last bridge for that on your way in. Feel stranded on an island not knowing where to go, dont want to stay home, go to work feel useless, see your girlfriend imagine she wishes you away. Makes a person ask himself when everything is pushing me farther why am i even bothering to cling on it. I should fuck off, i should disappear, no strings are on me know, better now than later.

weird

2010-01-02T00:52:00.002+02:00

"rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... give me truth. "i

ts just weird. where everything can go. where actions give birth to new actions, emotions evolve something more than that what they used to be. even though you do the wrong things, just being able to tell them to the person you are with, and seeing its reactions, and just her response getting through that. i dont know, i dont even know how to define that. i would expect everything to bad to worse but worse but it didnt. even every inch of my actions appear to be wrong, it just helped somehow, or so i like to believe. that what holds it together anyways, just to believe and hope, there is more than it is told, more than what it is. there is a lot i can tell about this but i am quite not able to gather my thoughts.

i just wanted to note i have learned, and glad, and happy. and a bit scared. and trying to treasure what i have. really. really weird.

pattern

2010-01-02T00:51:00.001+02:00

if you want to last longer, try counting the patterns.

flight

2009-12-30T21:42:00.002+02:00

i drive the car, quite numb. the ride is as always, mom by my side complaining about the music, how i drive, and doing on her stuff. and with all habit i have i got pissed off at her for no reason while she is just having her own time. Question myself as always, how could someone treat his mom like this, like getting angry etc, when he dont treat anyone else like that.

But it is as always with one difference, this time it doesnt bother me, that everything is same. I like the routine, quite honestly, and simply put, I have missed the routine. But that makes it all different, this time i dont feel like running away from it, but maybe it is only because this time i have to leave. and i take the turn c the airport, a weird feeling catches me in my stomach, its not hate or pain, its just, well i obviously am leaving. I arrive and get on the plane, my head buzzes with thoughts, tons of confusions, questions, its like rain outside the plane. I tried to not think but cannot help it, even though i know thinking wont solve anything, it is just the path i am taking and on right now, so unless i am taking drastic actions that plane is going to land and i am gonna go to my shit room.

And the plane lands, and i walk, this time there is no feeling of alienation to the environment. I am part of it this time, just a passenger like everyone around, minding nothing but my own business. I remember the first time I was around, I was surprised how people around were just so busy busy with their own lives and paid no attention to anything else. But now i c, I dont know if I should hate it. And from a distance i can maybe see and get scared, that is the path that might end up hating it all. But than i think, it is my imagination, if u r like that, like u always look back and say if i did this and that u can always resent the past. Just dont think and make your aims good. Now i try to figure out what i aim, what i have been doing for the past... forever maybe. I just want to be good. real good.

emotions

2009-12-30T21:36:00.002+02:00

still it surprises me that i could face some feelings i have never seen before. Emotions never tasted before. Surprised that i am capable of so much feeling. I felt a flame burn inside me, it was like an explosion coming from my chest hitting to the girl and bouncing back mixed with what she has. It was like a sudden mixture of what we both felt, i wasnt able to speak the words but she was. and i couldnt response, i couldnt say anything. just stared into her eyes and tried to digest all that emotion. after certain amount of failure a person tend to have quite much self doubt. especially if its something called emotions. there is no getting professional on them. They are just what they are and u try to define it at that moment. If it's a mixture of love, reminiscence, guilt than u cant quite much anything, especially if u feel like the one to blame for all that shit. And what makes it works u imagine what could have been, how would have been, and god bless our imagination is capable of wonderful things, so much as making us feel like shit as well.

run

2009-12-16T00:24:00.000+02:00

dont u just wanna run & run and fall & fall sometimes?..

wrong

2009-12-15T23:07:00.003+02:00

we sit and muse. we decide and act. look back and rethink. thoughen up, swallow the consequences. we look back and we try to forget. we wish, for the past to blur. we try to stop, we want to but we know, it is only miserable. we look forward, and try to decide, just to decide. what is best for the moment, for the future. we forget adn bury what was in us, what we had thought, just try to carry on from the mess you have. not recreate, its too late, it feels late, and you cant look back, this is only going forward. this is happening, right now. still, i like to fake myself sometimes, this is just a test, this is just a trial, i wanted it, and i am having it. but the problems is it is costing else's money, getting in that in other means. more debt. we have to rethink, and decide. we have to count next 3 years, and chop it of our lives. be the mundane. go with the rhytm. but sometimes, i'd like to believe, there is still hope, there is much i am doing, there is much to be done and lot to be gained. this is my life and it is happening, i can fix it, i can break it. just look in the mirror and be honest with your thoughts, dont just kill yourself please. calm your nerves, and be nice, that is what you are good at and that is what makes you bearable.
but amongst this i had another point which i have softened and believe less and feel away writing from but i should since it was in me head and worth mentioning maybe.
the sickest thinh with life, maybe if you have low self esteem. you end up doing what others will, believe what they believe, get influenced by them, follow what they tell, until you end up in such a mess, now that even noone says nothing you still try, try to do it. it feels like digging a brick wall with spoon for something you dont believe. we are born without walls and we create them. we create boundries not to cross, lines to stay in. nothing is their fault, we cant blame them, we shouldnt. it is us that exist and thats your brain in your head. try to respect your choices and live with them. i'd tell you to change it if u think if u ve made a mistake, but then again, what is for certain. you can never know. but if something makes you sick longer than you need, that is wrong.

suitsindisguise

2009-11-09T06:11:00.003+02:00

is this really happening. is this time. that goes past and through us. days.weeks.months.are we advancing, is this us growing, our perspective changing? thoughts, plans, future. facting down dreams, limiting imaginations, looking up and say, maybe the sky is too high, maybe i should hang around on the ground. have we limited our belief of happiness, have we dumbed down our expectations, have we thought ourselves not to hope too much. have been doing this, have been asking too many questions, have not tried too hard, have we tried too hard. we are taking actions for what people have told us not what we have believed for. a voice of 3 is stronger than what you have inside. can u so easily be narrowed? are you blissful,are you ignorant, are you even there. who is this typing now, who is this looking at this bright screen, this brain, who runs it now. is this who you were. can you recognize it when you look at the mirror. is this really you. are you really thinking, are you really imagining, or you just a got accepted facts. face the music boy. just... this happiness. all your life you just learn to avoid it. is it real, is it syntethical. this work, that job, are these really happening. have we not hoped to enjoy life. but how, and what does define it. can we be stray, can we just get lost, act deaf against the music. lets just be suits. suitsindisguise.

give up

2009-11-06T13:22:00.001+02:00

a relationship goes wrong. its like the beginning but u have the first friction or smt. and than u feel like u r gonna loose her. and try thinking of the ways to fix it. everytime it is the same, actions taken are different but the results are quite obvious. the more you struggle faster you sink, u stand still or drown slower, meaning u just get it late. or i dont know, there must be a way. but the worst thing is u never know what you have done wrong, have i done wrong, cause you have its not like a situation not me but you. there is something wrong you do wring constantly. well let me tell you what you have done wrong, you have gotten withdrawn, u felt stuff, u let urself down. now u sit feeling like shit. well you deserve it bastard. hello, back to square one, back to misery, but no, it has gotten worse, u never thought it could get worse did u. i think i want to be stupid, be ignorant, just stand still and do the same thing for over the years, and dont chase anyone. sit down, hold tight, just know this, please give up.

disapperaing

2009-10-27T23:09:00.000+02:00

hope to not hope so u could be dull and take this crap that has been going on. Live your life fixing the mistakes of the past always looking back worrying for the future, avoiding what you have done but not knowing what to do next. life becomes endless regrets and mistakenly picked decisions. what does it mean anyway, this has to be pure decisions nothing more. our choices our replies. i can feel my skin withdrawing now, disappearing from me completely.

sux

2009-10-13T19:43:00.002+03:00

fyi this blog sucks and full of shit

here we go again

2009-10-12T16:29:00.001+03:00

here we go again, fuck why is this always like this? and why am I like this in the city. i have no idea. i dont know if im feeling happy. it just seems so wrong when u compare it with the past. and now here i am again starting to feel again, just trying to handcuff myself not to. these little games, tricks, speeches and honesty. nothing works as it is. just dont care and its all brilliant. perfect ignorance, total happiness, and you pick em off as they come. whats wrong with me

dont

2009-10-08T18:52:00.003+03:00

hearnoevilseenoevil.dontbreakdowndontbreakdown.endtheday.wakeup,eatcereal,getthebus,pickthetube,checkthetits,gettowork,gettowork,getthrough,takethetube,pickthebus,lookatchicks,eatfood,cookfood,watchtelly,downloadporn,thinkawhile,readabook,haveastroll,rollajoint,dontbreakdown,gotobed,dontdream,closeyoureyes,imagineyourselfsleeping,dontbreakdown,stopthinking,stopdreaming,pleasedontbreakdown,keepsleeping,imaginewaking,dontdreamanymore,banyourfuture,havereadymadefood,preparefordestineddoom,singasong,lookatthemirror,seethefuture,astreamoffailures,baddreams,reminiscnesfrompast,exgirfriends,buriedemotiones,citiesleftbehind,dreamstuckedaway,wordsneverspoke,apastneverwasthere,futurenotwhatitwasexpectedtobe,dontbreakdown,keepitup,haveabigfuckinggrin,enjoythemoney,lookatthestars,livethecity,breaththegasoline,breathethedirt,thesin,thehate,thefailure,thedisappointment,begforaheartattack,closeyoureyesinthebed,wakeupdead,dontbreakdown,justdontbreakdown

quench

2009-09-30T18:47:00.003+03:00

i want to hug, and cry so hard, until i feel tired of crying, until i fall asleep there. bury me head in her clothings, my hands squeezing bits of her clothing, her arms around me, just petting, and she comforts me dragging me to bed, and i fell asleep there. it's been so long i've felt something i feel like an image passing by mirrors appearing only in mists.

detachemnt

2009-09-28T01:33:00.002+03:00

so, here i am. again. thinking, indecisive. there are like tons i want to tell and write. note and note down. fix and evaluate. go back in time, kiss that girl again, look her in the eyes, do that job better, work harder, leave everything behind, be sure of your decision. yeah, guess that's what, that's what makes us happy eh. looking and saying 'that is my decision, that is my proper thought, that is what i will live for. i wish it was. there has been mostly girls, that i've said worth living for, you know, those moments where it all makes sense. nope, haven't been in that spot for a while now, not since my last breakup, not since that occasion made me write tons of pages. and last week i saw her again, after a gap, after she had bf for over 8 months, i just looked and it was there, her love, her heart still burning for me. and my eyes, my hands, just moving all around her just to hold on to that feeling, that intense love. and dreams follow afterwards, what if i coulds, what if i do thats. and you justify, could you, could you ask someone just because she loves you, take advantage of that, and promise her, that you will break her up from that boy and give her what he could have given, maybe no, not the plans he has for her, but what i could give is love, and receive her love, somehow weird i feel horrible, and i just kills me. seeing her like, she is there, with him, and she feels for me, but she has quit, and knows, even better i do, while i was thinking i knew something, we are done. exactly in the words she put it that way before, when we breakup 'we are done' she said. and that is what she is doing, being honest. and i implied his bf wants to marry her, and then i understood in her answer, she shook and looked away said yes in a happy way. like that was the thought the idea kept her going with him, not because she cant break his heart, but because he loves him infinite and she feels safe. and now writing this i can relate, all big loves fucked off to some other countries, and there is this guy just came back from another country, to settle, and past all adventuring stuff. and what, is this gonna make her happy, how long if it is, no i can't give anything better i can't do shit, i just wish she was gonna be happy, i really really do, and i really really feel like i made a mess. now here is the detachment, one time i met her when i was back in my city, yeah i didnt tell you i flew to london now its a migration life i'll tell all about that torture in a bit. but i saw her for once whilst back home and it was like the best time, i was chatty, i was happy, there was fire running up my chest and all i had was a hour with her. and we never met again, i called and texted but there was no answer, of course i couldn't blame, it is obvious, im demonic, im not joking i tend to fuck up, probably whatever happens i was gonna fly back here and leave her there, it is just in less pain i left her with, at least she is not resenting it, again. but i thought, lots, and i said, i cant be like this anymore, i dunno i probably wrote here tons why i hate this shit, to not feel, to not think, to not imagine about her you just have to cut nerves off your brain, its like killing someone you love. you just have to accept that it is done, she is gone, you are not there, her lips are away, and her eyes are just for someone else to gaze into. so yeah, i have to accept, i have to fuck off...detachment here i come.

?

2009-07-28T14:11:00.002+03:00

i dont know whats going on. There is a buzz in my head. Its all the fuckall and the reasons coming at the same time. As if I decided nothing so far and now i am deciding. In a way i resent, as always, but in a more different and more serious way. I enjoy the self awareness coming on to me, but it makes me real shit like weird. I dont get it but it is still like i am feeling numb but, dont know a tingle is going on. Maybe i feel like i am growing, becoming more, setting my goals maybe. Ahh if only i could set my goals in life. Like i could see where i was in 30 years, and now i wonder do i need to, did i ever wanted to. But it just is like that is it, is it like you have grown old now take matters in hand, no more life. Now i pity myself is that it, sit down and look back at my highschool and university years resenting the summers spent home, while all that there was I could do. Do i blame my parents, do i blame my dad, for putting me under pressure, did he put me under pressure or was i just too weak to response, to scared to action. What the fuck do i now, keep on working making money give them the finger? no, dont see that happening, unless it is the whole famliy i am saying goodbye it is not worth at all, thats how i feel. If its gonna be done its gotta be proper i say. Not whilst i am working with a designer who works with my cousin. I want to say fuck off, piss off, stay out, your fault, your money, your mistake. But in the end i am in debt to them, and i will need them, financilly that is. Now does it sound correct to your eyes, do you want to see your parents as a leather suitcase with colorful money and checks in it, a guaranteed future and all. Could you live with yourself if you let yourself swallow that burden. No, I say, I believe I can fix things, make my own path and say hello with all my self. Still maybe they wont give a fuck but at least i might have my stand. Still that is not what i am doing, just making quick money for a bit of holiday, still trying to imaginery holes in my past. It sounds stupid when written down doesnt it, like you, yourself, as far as you could think, always fixing the past, hooking up with ex girlfriends, minding regrets, correcting course. Fuck all i say, just stop and dont care i say. Wish that was happening, not while your living with the cousin and the kids. When you think it will come along, is this a frigging race to rise above your brother, do you really need that shit, im not saying you believe it but i know you think about it. Sometimes i see you like balloon filled with prejudice, always blowing back in my face. There is a will, and there is a force, you have got the fucking potential, not because they say, it just is there and you can feel it. Channel the fucking thing. And most importantly, fuckem, fuckem all. Meaningless friggin puke. You have given up now, fuck all to all, loneliness has eaten your friggin brain, all that yap, empty chat, the unenjoyment in a bizzare place. So mate, you make use of these days here, or just go on feeling sorry for yourself, eh? and how long has it been i wonder, u feeling sorry for yerself, quite long i reckon. Dipshit. All your life you wanted to say fuck off, so act like it. But i know you dont need coaching, its in there its with you, embrace your sickness and make it a friggin stick of health. A wand to wonder in the lost with a millions watching walking beneath your shadow. Is it the reality i wonder, hitting you in the face now, that you are, just anyone, not someone. A dent on earth, a scracth on face, a bleed in a heart. Is it now

pity

2009-06-24T22:07:00.001+03:00

i pity to see you without the power to make changes. repeating the recollection of your mistakes back and fro meaningless like shades. boring the shit out of yourselves. why even bother, why even exist then .

the island

2009-06-24T20:41:00.002+03:00

a time when i spoke the truth and delivered the joy in me, lost in madness and the feeling of perfect impurity. a total drunkness, letting go, things slide away, the reality has been enforced on you now seems more fractured than anything. it is like looking from the shore you can see yourself in the city. lost in the dusty streets, buried, hidden under clothing, trying to see around with squinted eyes. so busy in his little bee mind cant see the end of the street, can think who or what it is. a life that goes by with constant interference, being told at you. measuring and weighting yourself with everything that breathes around you, trying to see if "they" are happy, but not you. worrying about a time that you might wake up and look back, saying 'oh shit'. this is happening, this is real, this is your life.wake up boy.

El Siete Es La Luz

2009-06-08T16:24:00.002+03:00

the forest burns, into the sky a glittering smoke rises. in the eyes of the animal, that black depth, u see fear. it all shifts and changes. beauty crumbles to pieces, colors fading to grey. a harmony of life is drawn into nothingness. the leafes bend with heat, they cry out as life is squenched out of them. like hand trying to grasp life, with least effor, they try. green fades to black and dust ith as become. a home that has been granted now takenaway. for no means useful. you cant build a forest, u can only come across one.

what if.

2009-05-26T19:09:00.004+03:00

what if whilst you were walking down a street with deepest thoughts on your mind, someone just popped and said, "hey friend, this all thing was a job. No worries to keep" and you looked around seeing people waving and smiling, walking towards you. they come and shake your hand, then depart slowly disappearing into the night first the whole street, then the whole city and everyone you knew,everyone you met,everyone you passed bye. giving their condolences. some shake their head like they understand, some look at you in the eye trying to see if you understand now, some hugging you for it. you just stand there frozen, not able to comprehend. with a surprised face. smiling back, showing reflex emotions. as if you are not the one dying, but they are.you there just lying on the street, trying to figure out, what if.

postpone

2009-05-14T12:35:00.000+03:00

a time will come when no one will accept your apologies, a time where you wont be able to reach. even though resentment of years bury you within, your voice wont reach the ones they need to but come back to you as bitter memories and realisations. just postpone

i am

2009-01-08T00:23:00.001+02:00

i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached i am detached

deadline

2008-12-25T23:05:00.003+02:00

this time it is swarming. Thoughts echoing in my head, moods changing continiously. chasing sleep like madman, making myself sleep to see more of those dreamy slideshows. and as the deadline closes upon it has become continious. like an error i seem bright and dark. i can see myself shutting down and opening up at the same time. for a while i havent been able to tell what was happening and surely now i am more clueless. old feelings still submerge from the depths, dream myself elsewhere, still cant believe the comfort of that place and still i dream of the bridge, the height of it, how the wind blows all over it. I dont know, i still cannot be sure if i am to fall from there or hold on and see. what becomes of this choiceless still fresh brat. i look back and cant understand them. i look today at myself and much has not changed. still me with a black gaping hole, looking right back at me asking "what?"

unpleasant

2008-12-05T04:31:00.003+02:00

moments go by. every day chases another. thats the usual routine. and if we do it we have no difference than time itself. if hooked up in a routine, doing the same things, what difference does it make you live 60 years you live 30 days. but its ok. only in your heart if you can feel the relief. that time when you dont count days but just happy to sleep and wake up. i had that for two months, and greatest feelings i ever had. after two weeks i spent there i just asked "why so happy" and it was obvious, for days there wasnt a time i wished i offed myself, hurt myself or didnt know how to act or talk to someone. i felt proud, easy and pure. that was just me working around, bitching, drinking but just wasnt lying. jokes and laughter, speeches and sound. yeah there were foggy toughts but just a walk on the beach, a swim in the sea, a writing on my book would fix it. and now i am back the city is winning over. the gray sky collapses on your lungs like the night. the weight of depression of thousand people in there takes to its grip. and you easily become those null eyes buss waiting crowd. sleepless, mess, fallen. i can see myself running back and forth doing shit and when i look it is just waste. this time this effort. people are there but it is momentary. noone bothers to understandi mostly i dont even bother to tell. there is nothing to tell because there is no answer. it is all your problem and your imagination. walk out the door and leave it. just dont bitch about it. but it is the city and there is no way out. you fix something but no worries there is always a problem and no place to lay your back. but the good point is this life hasnt been a waste at all, so far i know what a hate, most of my 23 years service in this place. now i know why i have to finish school, because i have to leave. and i will leave. dont worry no heavenly metaphors, just talking about getting on a plane or hitching a ride. but these faces i cant take, these friends i cant talki that girl i can never reach. hope you will comeback as an unpleasant dream.

nothing

2008-12-05T04:21:00.004+02:00

the weight of those words, coming from a brother. no i never meant to be close, but i never imagined i could hear, or maybe read such things. such intense hatred. , cant see the angles. never felt anything like this it is blank. i read it again it gives me cramps in my stomach but yet again nothing to fix it. no reason to fix it. its like the alienationg reaching its climax. in my mind i compare our mistakes but still cant get angry, cant find anything to feel but to let go. i feel like it was a lost cause anyway. i meant to make this book for him, i knew i could not show any love or whatsoever for him but wanted to prove he meant something to me always because he was always the nicest. and i never expected someone nicest to come with such ripe words. i am sory but i dont feel guilt when you look at it i have a limit too and he ignores to see it. but this text is not to prove who was right. it is just an anectode of... of this stuff, mixed, maybe not mixed but crystal clear feelings. there is nothing. there is nothing, no family. and i am a rag doll trying to create that with someone else, the thing i could never had, or i was blinded to see. as time goes on and more conflicts i have with'em i can see, what i dont want to live in. what i dont want to be like. and where does it drive me? yeah, away for sure but as a person to whom. what defines a character. when does one become someone. is it bad to feel jelaous of someones enjoyment, but not because it was selfish just wanting to be there. always trying to cleanse of the evil doings but may be because of this lacking of personal faith still succumb to useless time waste. and god knows how many times i repeated these verbs. i am unable to draw lines. i am hoping for my detachment. that could only happen miles away. but maybe if i could just do it right by drawing a path for myself. i already made some sketcehs but the path isnt yet clear. but i will make it. a fucking black silver line that i will walk upon. i have nothing, no family, no nothing. just mere consequences and sudden emotions. and the rest is black, painted over and over again. just fucking pitch with an endless depth. that doesnt even bother stare back. and what happens next, i suffocate, i merely drown, or i walk over the line. god i dont believe you but i am always glad you are next to me.

imperfect lines

2008-07-28T23:53:00.003+03:00

i exposed too much of this site so i had to change the link. the aim was and is to write without the thought of being read. just not write what i cant tell to those faces. this is my screaming into the night, better if i dont know whom knows. continuing i screwed, we went to holiday together and had a bunch of more fights each increasing to a worst one everytime. last day we snapped, after hours of crying and sadness and a stupid sex we spoke to breakup. so what, we came held in held to the city and never called eachother. just today she called to meet tomorrow, and i dont know what i would be like to her face. i know i wont be numb, all those things that ive liked i will come crashing in a sec. but what, do i have to repeat those tormenting arguments, things she thought, evil i have done. whatever the case is, there are things i have a done and cannot tell her, and wont tell her. without my confessions i cannot fix this, i cant live a lie. i am scared of my momentary feelings, maybe it is what we must do, tame them when we should, act like a cold stone when required. yes i may have acted terribly but i know i didnt deserve, or why so i should think of breaking apart, or other stuff.

but

2008-07-16T00:58:00.003+03:00

done for now. just for couple of pronounced words and thousand thoughts coming with it. it is done in cold blood. the necessity of it didnt exist. its all my point of view if u ask. now in pain here i am. sitting on my chair like an idiot with the pain in my chest as usual. this begins to feel moronic getting all this hate. i could define by the voice that there was not even a glimpse of love but rejection. i cant tell now if i had done it myself or if that was her will, i truly projected myself out there and it just appears to be worth nothing. I hate the changes unrequired, now here i am questioning myself over and over with what i had done. why the rejection i got, the hate i have received, these thoughts are killing me. i shouldnt be changed, i dont want to change anymore, i just want to stay where i am. i just want to make the one beside me happy but i seem to be the mistake again. now i am screwed my whole faith as usual is fucked up maybe it will come back in 3 days or a month or by someone else. but i am sick of these new meetings, trust issues, learning past boyfriends, new sex experiences and tensions with it. i am the problem it is pretty obvious, with my complicated thoughts i fail everything. my own misplacement in life effects everything. even though i think i dont show it, but it seems to be a mistake. and now again with all the "buts" and "whys" i am here alone, probably deserved, not by the things ive said, but the life ive had. i know she is tougher and meaner and not coming back. i have to think like that or hope will choke me down.
now i have to go sit beside my father because its his birthday, he is so aged and done so much for us thats the only thing i can do for him, sit beside him becuase my life is not going to pay what he did for me. there is a pain in my chest and tears in my eyes, all of this feels like my mistake, because it is my life, and it is my pain. i wish for a day that i go apeshit and end it for good, because i know i am not required, noone is required if they dont want you to care. just repeat the words and sit like an idiot. i actually hate you today, how could you wonder it was going to end good, you were bound to be gone, hope you find the balls to kill yourself and do us all a fucking favor.

pointing fingers

2008-07-15T16:20:00.002+03:00

since when is it about pointing fingers, playing the cards at the right time. why am i expecting to hear her say smt blaming me, why am i expecting her sudden rage to collapse on me. are we supposed to blame someone? for her being bitchy and me being an asshole? is this about it, was it going to be. in the end is it a matter of who is wrong and wronged. why cant be just in the sake of old memories. is it the knowing that in 12 months i'll be gone, or is it smt worse that i am unbearable. is it wrong that i feel accused and wronged. do we both see the truth on our sides, just repeat the bad moments over and over again to feel bad just like me. i dont want to hear the words in my head again "i'd done my best", i am getting sick of meaningless break-ups, loves turning into and endless missing or hate. maybe that is my fear, i know when she is gone she wont come back, not like others, but maybe that is because i am not playing that game anymore, i dont want to attach people to myself just because i feel insecure. i wanted to show what i had inside, i wanted to give the love i bred, but it just out to be worse than the others. i am getting more and more choked with my own words. am i doing this again, writing here, expecting her to read, so she will miss me? oh how i wish there was a place i could place my words. i hate it when life gets this meaningless, just looking for fingers to point, someone to blame.

waste

2008-07-04T16:08:00.002+03:00

sometimes i dont want to reach out. sometimes i just want to ignore all these buttons and consoles. isolated in a confined place, i want to spend every day and moment for they all mean nothing to us. in the end it is just perishing and all this life, all this time will seem dreamlike. where is the point when all we do is clouded by our judgement. judgement we gained. truth seeking into our dreams like nightmares, waking up dizzy, acting for the next unnecessary goal. all we do it shit, andwe will end up dust. if this is not a waste of time what is

for once

2008-06-21T20:50:00.002+03:00

how come we accept it. accept a life wasted 8 hours daily hating it. hating everything but just buying stuff, feeding yourself but it is not the point it cant be the point. we have souls, we have joy we deserve much more than that. it is wrong that we feel like all our joy in life is our girlfriend than we merry them and hate them in time then this object becomes your child, and eventually he/she hates you. it is awful to feel condemned to live by the laws of a world where poeple say this is a border and you cant pass. i mean phsychially where is the meaning of it, just because you are not born there you cant see the great view of some country. why do we need land, why do we need money, why do we need this. are we this pathetic. some people just made this suit of work and we are all ready fit in it. so they could go doing stuff. i wonder is it worth it. is it worth spending your life, all you really have for once.

labor

2008-06-21T20:40:00.002+03:00

its a miracle that we understand eachother. we all have such characteristics but still we bend ourselves to communicate with one another in a great way. we are able to understand what the person in front of us is feeling. its simple that we dont need the made up fucko reactions. the usual, the automatic ones, the ones i never got to understood when i was i kid. there a list of automatic reactions. they seem harsh and meaningless to me more than any answer. people speak to communicate, not to just to make sound. there is to more than we tell i know, but it is not actually that hard to understand, to be human. to be what we should be normally. not distressed by the daily routine, the rush, the idiot worry money. we are here, and thats it. who would want to waste a life with worries and 8 hours of unhappy labor. which seems to increase with an unhappy family.

looks

2008-06-04T14:20:00.002+03:00

its all in the looks of a person. not the phone not the texts not the words. but the way she speaks. her hands making shapes in the air, eyes looking around lips forming. all that body language is i get when i speak. i dont miss people over the phone, i dont like people through text. there is makeup without looking someone into eye and letting one of us to get the point. people are made of emotion and the upmost way of expressing them is speech by looking into someones eyes. at that point, at her anger, at her love, you see the core. you see something that people dont show too often. something belongs to them and makes their character. you dont have to know what they know, what music they listen, what they think, but when such fury they confront you, you see all you need to see. and you realize how much it pains you to stand there and take it, where you could just reach out and take it.

yet&yet

2008-06-04T14:08:00.002+03:00

the usual routine coming, daily wonders and paranoid questions in my bed. every morning everynight i see her and my mind asks what have i done. what so evil to draw her away from me. why again i have to question myself. my aspects, my thoughts, my acts. from love to doubt and always i feel like i have driven her to this point. does my demeanor so much differ from the nature. is it the real me that people give up when they actually now me. is it me acting to close instead of a uncaring prick. is this love. the eternal idiot battle to have a higher ground, to let the next person call you ask you miss you. i always thought the rules were simple, not black and white but it, and nothing else needs to be this complicated. we all are humans we all are capable of understanding eachother. if there is doubt in your tongue before speaking to her there is doubt in your heart. the doubt that makes you question everything, her love, your thoughts, what mistakes. aiming for a relationship now i sit in a point who is going to dumb who, and this time in my life i dont want the ambigious, nothing more flesh eating than that. being used for fucking by someone you loved and looked in with emotion is painful, if you get to that point.

our scribblings

2008-05-12T20:41:00.002+03:00

i just am unearthly. not like nobody gets but i just dont care. why should i be understood. i avoid life, i avoid facts. enjoy the endless imagination and ignoring facts. hate the being scared 'bout what if i realize. i dont ever want to feel like i need anything real, earthly. politics, limits, boundries, unnecessary truths. why bother fill yourself with that shit, how many times will we have the chance to be we? cant we just depend on our good character, good thought. are we all bound to drag in this life without hope, expectancy? cant we just see the obvious, this life we are trying to attend is the one that extinguishes the flame we have in our souls, its just our petty words and scribblings that makes us feel we act. just a moment of happiness in a life time of misery.

doubt

2008-05-12T18:41:00.002+03:00

do our lovers see us as we are. the exact we, how we think, what goes inside. i million possibilities and how can we end up mundane. just a spot in the crowd moving along with the herd. waiting in lines with unhappy faces seemingly accepted what this life has to offer, forget the thought it is we who make it all. we make ourselves happy, we make ourselves sad, disaoppintments and all are just stuff we avade by evade by pointing fingers. what saddens me more in hope of finding rest being stuck in position of not knowing what to do. why dı i have to doubt before i call, why do i still ask myself am i wanted, i just cant fit myself here and feel rejected and unwanted. wishing to find peace sometimes the questions inside me drown me deepest with their weight. sitting in a room, waiting for a call...

stop

2008-04-25T22:28:00.001+03:00

stop giving in. stop hurting. stop thinking. its all these recurring moments and those mistakes repeating itself. making room for better disappointments. feelings wish you never felt, thoughts you hope you could shut. hate the feeling for being there, and the thought of the moments you will never forget. speeches like thousand others with 'sorry's and 'please's. where do they get you, do they take us one step forward, or just make ground for one more. this is not a call for help anymore its the silence in the air. the gap growing larger every sec eating it away. eating what you had built, what you had hoped, time swallowing al 'couldve beens'. regretting all the dreams you had, pissing at yourself for being a moron, hating your thoughts for giving in.

shit

2008-03-31T16:09:00.003+03:00

its like its the limit. its like i look back and regret everyday. its like i cant think forward just thinking about what ive done, was it right or wrong. its like thinking gets stupid after a while. its like i am at the threshold, and all my faith in me is going away, my self-esteem going away in a matter of seconds, this hatred against me bout to pop up and damage smt or just me for good. i want to bite my lips and taste blood, i want to cut my wrist in so many ways that my body is covered in blood, its like i want to run to the bridge withouth thinking ahead just thinking what i am going to do. just with the idea of jumping without caring about anybody, not wondering their thoughts, not wondering what would they make of it. i am sick of trying to prove myself to the world, to myself. i just want to settle and be happy with myself. i dont want to be scared or concerned anymore. i dont want to make a thousand wrong decisions before i get the right one. i am sick of the pain and sadness inside me. i am sick of missing the feeling of happiness. i am sick of hoping for a laugh without a thought in my head. i want to be relieved, i want to let go. i just wanna go straight. i dont want anything but to cry, cry so hard and be exhaused and fall asleep. i want to wake up and just kiss her. i want to smile with her smiling back.

the day

2008-03-27T16:49:00.002+02:00

today, its at its upmost now. over my shoulders the weight is heavier than ever and just gets heavier. things i do know are even harder to forget then the ones in the past. with the knowledge of being aged i know my actions have results and have meanings, intentions i never wanted. i hardly smile and speech, just want the day to be over and collapse never to wake up. there is the usual intention of throwing myself off somewhere, but a good relief too. now that i have stopped contact i dont get confused trying to create a speech. i hate the constant chaos and unknown inside me. i want to identify it but dont want to accept it. i dont want it as a part of my life, as a fact i never wished for. i want to continue and be my dream; but i realize without accepting me, letting myself feel the world outside for real i can never reach out of my limits. i simply rather die than be it.

overwhelming

2007-12-23T16:08:00.000+02:00

emotions lead it. they can change everything, every object every detail in a room. you hit the bed and the world outside does not exist anymore, war at unknown edges of world does not concern you, or the fact that you are broke. it is just you and your ache in there. lying in bed with you. close your eyes and stay like that. lying in a bed , nothing but emotions, the chaotic pain, continuing thoughts , recurring moments. just open your eyes to see how cheap how pathetic our real concerns are, the ones we think regularly and realize how useless they are. we dont need them to exist, we just need our heart to feel and someone to direct it to. without it our soul will decay and thoughts become extinct. this life is nothing but continuing biological activity and your heart is the purest think you can ever feel, you will ever face.

unproud

2007-12-16T19:41:00.000+02:00

doesnt feel like i have any control anymore. everything is like gone and gray. i wanted to advance i cant. i dont have the will nor faith. it is just like i am standing and everything is going on fastforward. i hoped i could shape smt out of myself but it seems like i will continue this hiatus forever. i always didnt believe but there was faith that i could do something if i could progress. move into my own house, get a job, feel handsome. but now everything is worse. seeing no light at the end of tunnel i could only feel like perfect love could take me out of this mess. and i have not yet seen anything like this. i hate it but i guees i will become a guy who accepts whatever ends the day as long i dont think about me. i wanted to be proud of myself but now i can only hope to forget who i am.

i

2007-12-06T15:54:00.000+02:00

i felt this particular thing about me when i was on smt. i felt my ego bumping to people around me, and reacting to them accordingly. i saw myself in a room surrounded by people and i was changing, constantly, my reactions were decided by their actions. and it disturbed me at its best. i think about it now and then and i see how real it is. i just observe, before i act, thats why i have constants lock-ups. i hate it , but someone told me maybe it is me, it is just what i am , so why bother so much. but sometimes i feel like i am giving everything i could be just to fit in. sometimes i am surprised to see how could i even talk to people, sometımes i realize i act without thinking and wonder how i just got carried away, wandered enough to act without thought, just me, with all my trust, like 'i' could do smt alone,mostly i am disturbed to see myself ok with this...

brand new

2007-12-06T12:41:00.000+02:00

I saw our sad messiah / He was bored and tired of my laments / He said, 'I would die for you one time, but never again

bucket full of teeth

2007-12-03T01:23:00.000+02:00

i lost both my front teeth last night. it all happened so quick and was so meaningless i stil cant believe it. it has been 18 hours since the incident slowly i am accepting and realizing the facts. i felt bad from the moment they were damaged but i cried and it went away for a while. now it is different, i think, calculate and realize how worse it is. i dont have any feelings on my teeth. my front two and they are gone, their root is damaged so there is no feeling. the biggest part of my mouth is two solid stuff. they dont even feel like they are a part of me. i dont want to accept the fact but it is. for a year or so i wont be able to bite stuff with my front, i wont be able to eat an apple, i wont be able to bite my girlfriend for a joke. i am not even sure if it is going to get better in the future but i doubt it will be good as before. i am bound to live like this now. for a stupid thing too. rather than the pyshical scars psychologically i am fucked up. i was just beginning to feel good, that i was able to do smt. i could look good, i wasnt such a weirdo and i could be fun, i could be close to normal. but now my ego is smashed in such a way i just want to sleep. sleep and dream. nothing more. i do not want to create anything for this world, i do not want to give anything, i do not want to look for love, i do not want to exist. i always knew everything about life is stupid but i had believe myself. now everything is gone. i feel shattered. i am not down because some guy beat me up but i have less feelings. that is what hurts me most. i have to go through this tragedy because there is no other way. i have to face many things and they will change my character. i dont want to change anymore i was so close at getting where i wanted to be. now im in a path that i dont want. i will hate nightlife. i will hate people. i will hate drinking and drugs. i will hate fun. i will hate love. and finally i will become something i never wanted. i wanted to stay cheap now ill get so expensive, so fucking away from me.

the night

2007-11-03T04:53:00.000+02:00

it's like right at his moment, 5 in the morning, the whole word has gone grimm. noone in their beds is easy, people wandering are unhappy and depressed. at their homes thousand kids sit in front of their computers feeling smt is wrong. so wrong that nothing can fix it, not even our imagination could tell us 'its ok'. so dark now, in me, i can almost feel filling the room. numbness chilling my chest, lacking every feeling again, asking is this human. have i thought too much, was that wrong, have i been too abstaine, locked up, uptight? i looked into past and i have seen nothing, it just is an hole. i have no memories of it, i have nothing that i recall to remember, i can only see sadness, people that i have alinated myself from, a life, a person that was me, that i have abondened. some part of me is gone, gone with all the social needs i would require. smt dark, withdrawn is in charge. always asking what is this, who is this person. even my reflexes i question, why did u just smile, nod, miss? do you really love, or is it you requiring attention, you need to be praised, be told by people you are more, even though a voice deep says you suck. it has just been nothing but bitterness i have brought to myself. the more i do for myself, less unproud i feel.

and it used to be such a nice day

2007-10-27T02:11:00.000+03:00

the words, the ones that stick to your heart, cling on it, just drowning you. like a big fucking black cancer, eating it. with all those emotions there is a seed, growing and whispering all will fail, no matter what, no matter the sacrifices, it just wont end nice. and as such pityful lifeform we just go for it. seeing the end what is the point, for all that time, for all those feeling you will have the burden to carry. not the love, not the good memories, but just their ghost on your conscience telling you you have lost. lost it again, as it always been, those pretty days will now bring nightmares, taking your sleep away, you will lie in deprivation, knowing you have done right but still there must be something wrong because god cannot be such an asshole.

havent

2007-10-14T01:55:00.000+03:00

its tiring, tiring to breathe, think of a way to get through the day, wonder how can you make yourself feel 'fine'. most of the time i feel depressed, wonder when i was happy, how could i have been happy. thinking was it fake, the laughing and smiling and everything. what was it for? how could i justify myself to be happy that much, do i have the right? arent we all supposed to be sad, do we even deserve happiness at all. seeing all those people going out, doing stuff, wonder is it for real, though mostly they seem fake. we havent the right, we havent the idea of happiness, just a bunch of stuff makes us forget it has been a month, 23 years since life has begun.

serenade

2007-10-05T20:48:00.000+03:00

life itself as it is.

wake up
breathe
sleep
die

if there is no god we are just electrical activity in our head

the creature

you could fuck to feel alive
you could buy to feel alive
you could love to feel alive

in actual

it is just instinct
create a future, create a goal you cant reach
only to face numbness or fake joy

awareness

kill to feel remembered
pay to feel remembered
be evil to feel remembered

every generation feels like the world is coming to an end
yet it continues
where everyone wishes to end

requiem

greatest pieces of art
since now most depressing ones are remembered
everything nice withers
what is left is dust and tears

we seek to live happily
all end up dying low on morale

just quit
dont start

abort'em today
those sons of bitches
they dont have to suffer as you do
end the fucking serenade

father

2007-09-19T03:23:00.000+03:00

we had a talk. longing for a few hours i guess. he was drunk a bit. but it was a good talk, most intimate one since...years...maybe since ever. but he talked, as if the way that i think myself when im old. lonely. feeling lonely and left there. knowing she married someone she didnt love but who loved him. it just is scary. i want to undo his happiness, but i dont think there is a way to make him forget his regrets about last 40 years. he is worried for us of course, me and my brother. fearing that we wont be able to make good as he did and suffer poverty for our lives. and he is right actually, dont know about my brother but i know i can never do as good as him. i simply and stubbornly want to do what i want to do. do smt creative, smt that satisfies me. but he thinks forward and wants us to work with him. he thinks my brother will be the same as him, i am just hoping with all my faith that he wont be.
dont know if its a psych error or it is true i feel like i can make most people comfortable. i feel like i can do what would make them feel better. if i go out with my father for a few days he would feel better, if i went to movies and had a little laugh with my mom she would feel better. or if i was with someone and helped him/her to do what she always wanted to do. people just need people, but noone ever sees through that. sometimes i feel like i can nullify myself and can help someone to feel better, then i think i must pass this so i can do what i wanna do, not knowing what my purpose is actually. a big risk actually, throwing away the chance of making people happy but running for a almost certain disappointment. i am saying certain because it is. people dont get to be with people they love, noone ends up doing what they wanna do, we just cling to what life made us do and act as if it is smt we care. my dad spoke to my face, telling me she didnt actually love my mom when they married, but he missed her highschool love. soundsfuckingfamiliar.

illusion

2007-09-19T00:02:00.000+03:00

i dont get it, or dont want to. there are two kinds. one is you are with someone, you love her but you are not in love with her. you see her, you kiss her, but you dont really feel that something inside that has to burn through your chest. you dont love her but you get used to her, you get used to the idea of a relationship going good, that something you can build on. and there is a relationship that you love, you love with everything you have, burning whatever oxygen left in yourself, missing her, crave for a touch of her lips, but you know, that all will crash. whenever you give in with your heart you are bound to be hurt, feel not loved, but could be glad you can feel that certain feeling. what hurts the most is you have to choose the wrong one to continue.

just human

2007-09-10T12:33:00.000+03:00

why do we always want to create something that makes life worth living. there is someone and we put all the meaning into her, and she becomes everything. for that short moment, it is her that is everything to you, and the best part is you think she feels the same way. just two of you wasting it away, for nothing but just happiness just like life should be. people worry about money, they should consider being happy. but for the most part it goes through money, and there is no end to that. life should be just going and having a couple of beer and a good a laugh. there should be someone that you could count on, that you know you have a friend and you will always have that friend. it should looking out the window and feeling better for the day. dont know how but i remember having those moments, even maybe last week i had one, but the depression is so fucking heavy, it just feels like they were fake. why is it that sadness is heavier than happiness. as far as i can look back into history, all sad things, all those work of art, all that history is made upon sadness. our everlasting pieces of art are greates requiems. as human we are pursuit of the unattainable.

cling over for the deprived

2007-09-10T12:27:00.000+03:00

there are strings that connect us to what we call sanity. we cling over those things and we act accordingly. i mean all of us sometimes wanna grab a gun and shoot everyone, or simply run in front of a car, just to cease the constant speech in our head. but we dont do that, there is string that binds us to this deprived life. sometimes it is just so close, that i must almost realize there is no point in all this. it just is going on, with the flow, whatever we do, whatever we think, we gonna end up miserable, just feeling sorry for we had done. i mean isnt there a way, to feel completly satisfied of our selves, feeling of ourselves, for what we had done, for we had thought. no i am not talking about those, fake things that we use to cling here. not the ones we make and tell oursevles, yeah you should be proud. i guess there is not, it just is disappointment and our miserable lust for life.

whelp

2007-09-10T12:17:00.001+03:00

i have been trying to move out over a year now. i am looking at apartment rooms, surfing real estate websites, telling people. first i believed that this house was holding me back from what i can really do. limiting my capabilities in a funny way. dont get it wrong, this house is a four floored wooden mansion with a huge garden and a pool. with me and my brother and parents living in it we also have a couple that lives with us, the wife for housemading and the husband for garden and technical stuff. its a huge family i guess. my parents never complain about my friends coming over, or a girl staying in my room. but still, i feel like i am choking here. i look at my brother and i feel like he is wasted because he cant leave here. isnt it normal that i want to move out? i just want to build a life with my own limitations, a house where i could buy my groceries, cook my own food, decide every littlestupid detail myself. yes, i do not have the money to pay the rent and i am not gaining any, my parents are going to pay for it. but their thoughts are if you want to start your own life, go gain your own money. i am just asking for a little room, i mean we can pay 3 times my rent for only water expense of this house, all i want is give me a room and do my own thing. i am not trying to get out and party everyday, that is the last part, but everybody thinks that way i guess. and over a year i have been trying to move out, everytime i found a suitable apartment, something close, i fight broke out at. everytime i had hope it blew all over my face. and now i have to doubt, i have to doubt my own decision, my own and only faith in me because they keep telling it is. am i idiotically having a breakdown of noone is understanding me or must i do every lackey, manipulative lie to get what i want? just a little fucking faith.

mom can u hear me, can u see me?

2007-09-10T00:35:00.000+03:00

i got some kind of a twisted ego thing i havent yet figured out. i always have the feeling that someone is watching me. i mean when a car passes over i feel like whoever in there is watching me. and i always act accordingly, i mean every action i do, every thought i have is because someone is watching, and probably they are not even watching. if i am with a group of people i dont really know i cant act easily. i cant just simply fit in. i hold on and watch them, try to figure out how should i act. but when i think of it, its an awful thing. to act different in front of different people, i mean whats the meaning if i cant be me, i have to watch every and each of my action, thinking twice, always strangling myself. more i think more stupid it gets, i ask myself 'then what is you, what would i act like?' and the reply is there is no me. there is no me that has certain ideas about certain things, i only act accordingly. but maybe there is no you too, we all act according to other people but probably most has developed their characters when growing up, deciding on thoughts and how to act, but i still linger over. yes, i always felt that i wasnt complete, but it hurts when i realize how vague i am, how lone and lost.how i am the same idea that i hate, i hate people that act different, hence when someone goes to a meeting they have to lick the guys asses, but why is this even required, this shouldnt be required at all. but only i am the one causing this, lacking selftrust. i look around to blame but i really shouldnt, it must be me shaping things.
on the other hand, the more sickening part that i have realized when i am alone for a long time,i just go to the market to feel someone maybe will notice, to feel handsome maybe. maybe we all do it, but probably i am sick.
i hate people who acts to be noticed so i dont act at all when i am in front of new peope, i just shut up and listen, acting as if i dont want to be noticed but isnt it true that i am just expecting someone to turn and ask 'you okay?'

i'm sinking like a stone in the sea

2007-09-06T21:59:00.000+03:00

didnt take too long for my new relationship to end. it just took 2 dates and lots of alcohol. and then i saw she had not changed bit from last year, i remembered why i had stopped talking to her, remembered them all with some hatred added on, and the same itchy heartbrake.
the story is too long but i quit her at the bar after she went away and kept talking to the barman for 30 mins or smt. and there is the part i fell too which i really am obsessed with, thinking the scene over and over again. i fell on the floor swinging away tables in front of people i was having probation at, also some of our employers too, yeah it was great. now i cant believe after last year i went straight on to the same chaos believing it could be different. giving hope to my heart and now making it burn. i thought about calling my ex in the morning. now that i dont have a girlfriend i am at my weakest moment. i cant do nothing but think about the same things over and over. the only good thing is there is a chance of me moving to a flat where my neighbor will be a classmate of mine who i really admire very much. a guy who really inspired me for a lot of things, especially in design and lifestyle. maybe this could give me the spin i need. i am not sure but i am hoping. other than that it just is crashing, everything is just simply crashing.

keep the souvenirs

2007-09-05T02:02:00.000+03:00

she calls me in the middle of night, crying. we talk about some stuff i just dont remember. and she tells me she swallowed bunch a pills. crap, i mean she did that before and now again? i tell her i wont come to her, if she was serious i told her to call her parents or i will. i refuse to go, not because i was seeing some other girl because i thought it would happen again and again just like last time. but this time it was more serious than her last act i guess. she called her parents as she promised and i tried to keep her awake on the phone til they came. she almost fainted on the phone. then i somehow reached her mom and she told me they were washing her stomach at the hospital. i thought, ok, we are through. and now i am thinking have i done the right thing? should i have gone to her? but i cant, i mean she did this shit before, and if i keep running to her each time she does that wouldnt that be worse? but the duality of my ideas is the first thing that kills me right now. and the other is i have been with this girl for a year and half, i have known her since highschool, so close to 5 years. and what the fuck? we are almost 23, who the fuck still kills herself over his boyfriend? is this kind of a person i have been with? someone obsessed with me? is this what i have enjoyed for a year? someone who would accept me for whatever i did?whatever flaws i had? i thought i was somehow at least a bit wise person , and believed if i was dating with someone she had some sense too, but what does this prove? bringing down all the respect i had for this relationship it just feels like 5 years out the window, no thank you keep the souvenirs.

i swear i had wings

2007-09-04T23:29:00.000+03:00

i talked to my ex right now on msn. she jsut opened a conversation about some stuff i forgot then i just wanted to tell her that i wasnt angry with her. i just thought it would be better if we did not see eachother for sometime. but i also told her it was ok if she wanted to talk, yeah we could talk, but it wasnt my intention to make her feel bad or smt. i just thought like we know eachother very deeply so we could just talk. but she went sad after i confirmed that i was with a girl, i asked her if she was with someone and she said no. yeah i believe her, i really do. but i didnt want to hurt her, i just wanted to be honset and didnt wanna feel like i should have said this and that. and told me she didnt want things to end up like this. said she was just pissed from last night and thats all. but i really dont think that what she felt when she packed me through the door. i know she thought like if we had a conversation of breakup we would end up kissing(and i did too) so we just went off without bringing the subjetct,avoiding to realize how serious it could get, hell i even asked her if she wanted her ipod back.
anyway, after i said i was with a girl she stopped talking so i tried to continue the conversation and all of a sudden she says she is depressed and quits msn. man she apologizes for being rude when she sent me from her home and than pulls the same act on msn. yeah, i know these things shouldnt be talked over the net but i know if i go next to her and hear her voice shattering when i say we are not supposed to see eachother ect. i wont be able to resist and give a hug, and than the hug her stronger when i inhale her smell and than i wont be able to resist, or just will refuse to resist and give her a kiss on the neck and... damn. but i know the same act will go on over and over again, i mean we have been to this place before, and yeah to be honest, i am trying to leave it like this because she dumped me. i cant go to her and tell her again its over. i just can make it obvious. dont know if i am going to regret but i am willing to take my chances this time.

hollow points through the chest

2007-09-01T19:23:00.000+03:00

it just is there. the emptiness growing in me. slowly eating me alive. just what it feels like. rotting in this room i cannot move my muscles or react to anything. i feel a shivering going through my body. i have not had a chance to meet with the girl again, and now everything goes downward. my faith in relationships sail away as usual. just as i expected whenever i have a chance to be with some very pretty girl i am into, everything fails. maybe thats why they call somethings high maintenance. i dont have the will nor the feeling to talk over the phone, look someone in the eye. they just come in snap moments without my control, i cannot act as if i am dying 24/7. though i am dying for different reasons. the question again raises in my head. maybe i should call my ex and at least apologize. at least for being so hard on her. but i dont want anything to repeat in an endless loop. but i guess i am into it again. i am accepting everything to not go back there, accepting the oblivion and that numbness. after a while i wont be able to take and what, call her? or maybe i will start working somewhere, will be pretty busy and wont have the time to think nor decide. and then suddenly i will be someplace where far, somewhere i feel like i dont belong, i dont like. or is everything ok and i am just feeling awful? i dont think so.
it just is there is a future i know, and i feel i am capable, but i am constantly off. always asking myself the same things, questining myself of my actions of my thoughts, comparing them with other people. but why the hell should i right? i feel like every action i do, every gesture i have, i hve copied from someone. i feel like there is no me. i feel like my character is just something made of paper and can be torn apart by a single blow. just wasting my time here, feeling bad, throwing away everything but life, just gradually breathing waiting for an end.

oh the romance will kill us all..

2007-08-30T09:11:00.000+03:00

its 9 in the morning and i havent slept yet again. my sleeping hours have turned all the way upside down, i havent been to my probation for the last 4 days. not because i didnt want to go they told me not to come because there wasnt much job to do. actually when i think of it i should have gone no matter what or otherwise i just wont get anything, yeah guess thats my mistake. other than that i just begun meeting with a girl which has a long damn story too. i wont bother writing it right now but she was someone a year ago who made me feel smt again. and now i dont know what we are like but i guess it might be as if we are together. but i just dont know and i dont know if she does too. it seems that we both were really in love a year back but either of us expected the other one to react. yeah sounds dumb when you write it like this, but it is. guess thats why we both are having the greatest unsure feeling of all time or maybe it is just me. she tells me it is on me know that if i could manage the relationship or not, depending on how much i call her, ask her to do smt. but, i just keep repeating but and but... today i am hoping to see her before i go to work because i have to. i've kissed her, i've kissed her over and over again and it was a time where i havent had sleep for over 24 hours. i remember the feeling but it was dreamlike, and everything happened that night was dreamlike too. but i just have to see her, look her in the eye, and see how the hell am i doing. we always have a way to talk endlessly and after that night i sort of blocked. like a always do i guess if i am confused. and i just wanna see her and watch myself act...
other than that my ex girlfriend called. yeah the one i keep talking over and over about. when she called i was with the girl that i have mentioned earlier this post (damn should i use nicknames?). anyway i didnt answer the phone because i felt it was gonna block me that day, but not answering it didnt work either, next day when i left the girl to the bus station i called her rightaway. i told myself it may have been smt urgent and maybe i should have answered when she called. i dont know if i have told you before but we really should not talk at all, it just goes for peace and sex everytime we do.when i called she told me some of my stuff was at her house and her dad saw that and was pissed at her and if i could just go and get'em sometime. i told her to dump the stuff. she says dont do this, and i say what shouldnt i do? we dont bother to call eachoter to breakup why should we talk for some underwear. and she goes for the sweet innocent tone asking wont we ever talk again and i reply with my ice cold voice - no - and continue to goodbye turning off the phone.right after that i contiune to loosing my mind going crazy on the highway almost crashing into some cars. and her voice and our speech echoes in my mind all night. i questien myself what the hell should i do? call her and apologize for being so rough but that we stuck; that cant she see?
i became that ice cold stuff that i wrote before, fearing that she would reply my phone like that. and i just do that to her, almost knowing how much that sucked, how hard it was to call and talk about smt stupid to makeup.
i ask myself if i wouldve spoken like that if i wasnt with another girl last night? if i havent heard anything about she has a new boyfriend? i dont know, i just get confused.

o yea!

2007-08-27T11:46:00.000+03:00

yeah, so finally i heard some stuff i wish i hadnt. i learned that she was already planning to break up with me for some time (well so was i) and she was talking to her ex boy friend (i was talking to some girls too actually) and she is dating some guy probably years older from her. and probably some dude i know for fucksake . well my belief is that she can do whatever she wants to when she breaksup with me because that is what i am doing too. but just hearing it hurt me as you might have guess, cant deny that. i just wish i hadnt heard anything but you know how it is, when someone says they know smt you do your best to hear the rest. i am just hoping she wasnt with someone before she dumped me because becasue that would just fckng crash my whole belief in that relationship. if there is something like that, i am hoping not to hear it as long as i can. frak.